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No, not that kind of south-of-the-border Latin lover--we just couldn't find a decent photo of Ovid. A new book out in the U.K., Latin Love Lessons: Put a Little Ovid in Your Life by Charlotte Higgins, demonstrates how little self-help has changed in the last, oh, two millennia. In addition to inventing straight roads and sewage systems, the Romans--the original Latin lovers--also invented romantic love. And almost immediately thereafter, they invented the genre of love and sex advice. Who knew we were part of such a long-standing, esteemed tradition?

Dear Em & Lo,

I've never had, bought or owned a vibrator, or any other kind of sex toy for that matter. I'm just out of college, recently single, and think that it's about time. But I have no idea where to start (I've never been what you'd call an avid masturbator). Any suggestions?

Sincerely,
Luddite Lucy

Dear L.L.,

Keep walking toward the light! Welcome to the club! Come on in, the water's fine! We can't tell you how happy we are for you and proud of you that you've finally decided to take your sexuality into your own hands. It's an important step in every gal's life, one that will help you connect with your body, get to know your own sexual response, and be better equipped to communicate your sexual needs to any future partners. Plus, it's just a spankin' good time.

In some of the lamest news we've heard all month, the New York Times reported on Thursday that Verizon facistically (our term) decided to reject Naral ProChoice America's request to use their network for a text-message program (the only major carrier to do so), saying the phone company does not accept programs from any group "that seeks to promote an agenda or distribute content that, in its discretion, may be seen as controversial or unsavory to any of our users."

Some STDs get all the press, but one that many women haven't heard of is trichomoniasis. It's a parasitic infection that we can get through unprotected intercourse, or from vulva to vulva contact (it doesn't discriminate on the basis of sexuality). Under the microscope trich looks like a balloon on a string (though it wiggles when you watch it). Symptoms commonly include a frothy, yellow-green vaginal discharge with a strong odor. You may also have frequent painful urination or even pelvic pain. Sometimes, though, trich won't give you symptoms at all, but your gynecologist can detect it on exam, with either a microscope exam in her office or by a culture sent to the lab. These two tests are the only definitive way to make the diagnosis. Your gynecologist can't be sure over the phone, even if your symptom description is vivid ("well, the discharge is like a fluorescent yellowish green color...wait, maybe it's more like Crayola's Electric Lime shade!"). And if your Pap test comes back positive for trich, your doctor has to do an exam to be sure (the Pap test is unreliable for diagnosing infection).

Condom manufacturers Durex recently released the latest results from their huge 2007-08 global survey on sexual well-being (they're teasing out the results in five parts over the course of 14 months--talk about extending foreplay!). Apparently, Americans spend nearly three hours a week on grooming but less than an hour per week on sex; only 46% of us describe our sex lives as exciting; and we have sex about once every 4.3 days, which is less than the global average.

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We've been writing an advice column together for eight years now, and while we like to joke that the most common question we get from guys is "How can I safely enlarge my penis?" in actual fact, the most common question is "Why is being a nice guy such a kiss of death?" (The penis question does rank up there, though.)

For Slate.com's Sex Issue, the two of us were asked, "As people who make their living thinking and writing about sex, what have you never been able to figure out about sex?" (Our response: why virginity is still defined strictly in terms of penile penetration, damn it.) We were humbled to be included along with some very cool sexologists, researchers and writers. Of course, not so humbled that we won't proceed to shamelessly expound on their answers:

Um, yeah, we came across this advertisement while perusing Yahoo! News. When you consider how many eyes have to view an ad before it gets "approved," we just don't understand how this design made it through!? Look at the dark blue shading quickly and it's an arrow pointing directly at the happy woman's genitals. Blink and suddenly it's an exclamation by those genitals. We know most vaginas are full of ancient secrets and wisdom, but we didn't know they were a fountain of training tips. 

According to two recent surveys, there's a growing happiness gap between men and women--and it's the men who are coming out on top. Back in the '70s, women surveyed reported that they were happier than men. But apparently three decades of feminism, better wages, better sex education, and more attention to the clitoris haven't improved our moods, because these days, women overall say that they're less happy than men.

We made our Oprah debut yesterday! We missed the original airing because the producer failed to give us a heads-up and, well, we're not usually watching TV at 4 p.m. Fortunately some of our friends were (who knew?), so we were able to Tivo the 1 a.m. rerun. The show was called "237 Reasons to Have Sex," and covered research on why people have sex, lovin' after 55, embracing erotica (i.e. porn), and even open marriages... scandalous! (Gotta love The 'Prah's google-eyed disbelief at the in-studio married couple with kids whose wife has an extracurricular boyfriend!)