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In a "live" performance that brought to mind drunk sorority girl karaoke, Britney Spears opened up the MTV Video Music Awards in Vegas this weekend with her new single, "Gimme More" (more like "Gimme a Break"). We could barely watch the first time, let alone the  second, third, fourth, and fifth. The Britster is obviously beyond help, but here's what the rest of us can learn from the experience about how (not) to be sexy:

1. Slouchy bedroom eyes after a glass of wine are a turn-on in the right circumstances, but droopy Paula-Abdul-meets-Farrah-Fawcett eyes make you look like the star of an after-school special about date rape. Know your limits!

2. Heels lengthen your legs and make your butt look extra perky. But heels that you can't walk in, let alone dance in, that cause you to wobble around helplessly like a lost Bambi after his mom died? Sure, one or two asshole guys may think, "I bet she wouldn't wobble like that if she were flat on her back in my bed!" But the rest will mostly just laugh at you.

3. We're all for a little role-playing in--or leading up to--the bedroom. Who says you always have to act like yourself to be sexy? But maybe you should try to get your real life together first before you start trying to adopt alter-egos. Otherwise, it just won't be convincing.
 
4. The world could use a little less dry-humping on the dance floor. And if you're going to make us watch, then at least make an effort to convince us it's actually turning you on.

5. Strip-aerobics, stripping in the suburbs, stripper poles in the bedroom and on stage...can we all please agree to move on from stripper chic? Performing a striptease for your boyfriend à la Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks (or better yet: him performing a striptease for you) is totally awesome, but the pole is so not necessary.

6. Giggling coyly behind your mouth like a geisha is kind of hard to pull off when you're in fishnets and lingerie.

7. Sometimes, less is more. The dry-humping, the pole-dancing, the lingerie, the boots...too many sexy props just make you seem like you're trying too hard.
 
8. Knowing what you're doing and doing it with confidence is a thousand times sexier than a Swarovski-encrusted bikini two sizes too small.

9. If your back-up dancers-slash-wingwomen are constantly outshining you, maybe it's time to let them teach you a thing or two.

10. You want fame? Well fame costs, and right here is where you start paying...in sweat.