aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Your reading this week will sound familiar if you're a regular reader of these here 'scopes: What you want and what you get will be two different things, you'll be attracting a playa instead of a partner, the sex will be great but you will feel empty inside, blah blah blah. Guess you're just a glutton for punishment. Keep it up, and we're sure next week's horoscope will say something about heartbreak or VD.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) If your libido is Tom Brady, then your partner's is Mrs. Butterworth syrup (and we're going to be shameless in mixing our metaphors here). Take it easy on Mrs. B. -- she's a demure thing and she scares easily. And it's a rare bird who can keep up with you as you race toward touchdown. Plus, you know, it's not like you have to drown your pancakes in syrup at every breakfast -- sometimes just a tiny drizzle of the golden nectar makes you appreciate the pancakes that much more. Whatever the hell that means.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st) Does personal integrity matter anymore? Is honesty still a virtue? We get countless letters to our advice column asking us how to cheat and get away with it. We even caught a rerun of Felicity recently (shut up, that's still a good show) in which her eccentric chain-smoking academic advisor encouraged her not to tell her boyfriend that she had gotten three-sheets-to-the-wind, blacked out, and accidentally ended up between the sheets with a total stranger. We were worried when Felicity kept her mouth shut until punishment from the gods was swiftly enacted when her boyfriend found out via a mass email featuring Felicity playing strip ping-pong with said stranger (see, told you it was a good show). Lies, even lies of omission, get you in trouble. If you lie, than you live a lie. Liar, liar, pants on fire, etc, etc. You get the picture: What you do and what you say should be one and the same this week, as always.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd) You're the arm candy du jour and everyone wants a piece of you. (Just don't brag about it too much: It's not going to be such a dandy week for the rest of the star signs.) Make the most of this aura of cool and pledge your undying love (or at least your amorous intentions) to that cutie you've had your eye on. We're pretty damn sure you'll get the response you're looking for. And if you don't? Well, they're an idiot, you're still hotter than Georgia asphalt, and at least there are plenty more horny fishes in the sea just dying to be your compensation prize this week.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd) See the horoscopic advice we've given to Cancer, then just subtract the getting laid part. Unfortunately, all the people chasing you this week will probably be duds. Best to sit back, get laid back, and just take a nap.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd) Don't let anyone push you into a commitment this week. And definitely don't make that leap unless you're absolutely convinced that your parachute is in good working order. Though darned if we have any idea what the "parachute" is in this metaphor. What color is your parachute, anyway?

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd) Okay, so here's a prime example of why you should read your horoscope carefully every single week. Did you see what we told all the Virgos this week? Yeah, well, if you Libras followed their advice, you'd be shit out of luck and stuck home alone all week never knowing if your feelings were reciprocated. Libras are supposed to leap this week. The near future of your sex life depends on it. See? We're more than just a couple of pretty faces. We're here to get you laid, and get you laid good.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd) See Cancer. Use lube.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st) Abort mission! It's impossible. Though you may dance around your living room in your underwear, you're no Tom Cruise.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th) Oh lordy, we hope you're not currently sleeping with a Taurus. If so, it's going to be one interesting week. You're going to be feeling soooo sensual that Yanni will start sounding "groovy" to you and anyone carrying a rolled-up yoga mat will turn your head. You'll laugh at bumper stickers like "Give peas a chance," and you'll suddenly feel compelled to light incense. So you better make sure you don't have too many evening activities planned, because sex is gonna take a loooooong time. Unless, of course, you're dating a Taurus, in which case we recommend seven days of abstinence.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th) Don't be fooled by someone who is a smooth talker. The shyer candidate is probably a better bet for you romantically. Take Em for example: She's shy and quiet, looks down when she's nervous, and won't do karaoke unless she's drowned out by Lo. But if she's had two gin and tonics, she's ovulating, and she's behind closed doors, fuhgettaboudit: She's a total firecracker.    

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th) You'll suddenly find yourself attracted to someone you meet via work. But it's not necessarily a good week for this. If you've got a performance review coming up -- or if the "via work" connection is that the hottie in question is married to your boss -- then we suggest taking a sick day and staying home to jerk off to soap operas.