According to a new study published by the British Medical Journal, the birth control pill either increases, decreases, or cancels out your risk of getting cancer. Talk about news you can use! But these scientists studied Pill users over a period of 36 years, so we're going to try and figure out what the stats mean; it'd be a shame to see all that research go to waste. Especially as it's about, you know, cancer and all. So here's the deal, as far as we understand it:

The Pill has been linked to an increased rate of breast and cervix cancer (that much some scientists, as well as conservative anti-Pill brigades, have been suggesting for some time now, while our favorite sex educators, Planned Parenthood, have consistently poo-pooed such stuff). But in this study, the Pill has also been linked to a decreased risk of a number of other kinds of cancers, including the bowel, uterine, and ovarian brands. And when you combine those two things, apparently your overall risk of cancer is decreased. Unless you're on the Pill for more than eight years, in which case your overall risk of cancer is increased. By a whopping 22 percent. Given how many women stay on the Pill for a decade or more (let's have a show of hands here), we're frankly a little confused by all the headlines generated from this study: No Cancer Risk Among Users of Oral Contraceptives says the British Medical Journal. Taking the Pill Cuts the Risk of Cancer says the Times of London. Um, not so much. It certainly makes us happy that the sponge is back on the market at last. And hey, there's always the trusty condom (as long as you use it correctly).