Watching another so-bad-it's-not-quite-good-so-much -as-it-is-horrifyingly-mesmerizing episode of VH1's The Pickup Artist last night got us thinking about all the pickup lines we've ever heard or attempted to use. And we've heard some doozies. Once a guy finds out you're a sex writer, it's like he's suddenly inspired to try out his most outre pickup line--though he probably thinks of it as "turning his game up to eleven." Take this one night in an East Village bar, when Em was chatting away to a young man, and eventually the topic turned to her day job. A few minutes later they were both standing in line for the bathroom, and he turned to her and said, "I've always thought that I might be smaller than average, and I was wondering if you could take a look and let me know?" As he said this, he started unzipping his fly. Em started running back toward the bar for cover, and he chased her, zipping up as he went, calling out, "But wait! You're a professional!"

Fortunately she never found out whether or not he was right to wonder. Unfortunately, being sex writers by profession doesn't make us any more proficient on the other side of the equation, doing the picking up. Just ask the guy who didn't fall for Em's lame attempt to be Lo's wingwoman one night: She walked up to this stranger Lo thought was cute and said, "You're John, right?" He said "No." (We knew that.) Em said, "Oh, I thought you were this author I worked with on a story last year." He said "No." (We knew that, too.) She said, "You see, we're both editors, this is my friend Lo, she's an editor, too." He said "Oh." We moved on. Looking back, we probably just should have gone with the simpler, "I've always thought my boobs might be smaller than average, could you take a look and let me know?" So, what's the worst pickup line you've ever heard or uttered?