aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Business conventions are hot. All those buttoned-down, suited-up types away from home, looking to get jiggy for a few days. If you don't have one scheduled soon, crash somebody else's. Insurance and real estate conventions are especially hot.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) There's a fine line between attracting attention and banging a big spoon on a metal pot. Faking your own suicide, for example, would probably fall in the latter category. So would pretending your dog died...or that you suddenly need Viagra.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st) Ding! The timer just went off on your maturity. You are now officially ready to fall in love. Of course, that doesn't mean the rest of the kids in your class are at your romance reading level. But don't dumb it down for anyone. If you've got your sights on someone, give them your gifted pitch with honors.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd) Don't settle for someone just because you are lonely and need oral sex. The person offering the oral sex may be wrong for you, or not very good at it, or worse, really dig you for more than just your genitals. If you can rule out the third case, then you have our permission to go for it. But don't come crying to us when you can't come because it was the second case.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd) This week you'll finally convince someone you've been eyeing to go out with you. (If duct tape plus an endless loop of Celine Dion's love songs was involved in this "convincing," we don't want to know about it.) Pull out all the stops on this date and make it count. But leave the tape and the Celine at home.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd) Everything is funnier in threes except sex. Threeways? They totally suck (if you don't agree, then you've been watching too much porn). Love triangles? They suck harder. Two Girls and a Guy? Don't even get us started on how bad that movie sucked. If you must have group sex, make it a fourway so no one's piggy in the middle. If you must enter a love triangle, please don't kid yourself that it's going to end in anything but tears (well, tears and mindblowing sex, probably). And if you must rent a Robert Downey Jr. movie, make it Only You.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd) Not only are we astrologers, we're psychics. We can prove it: We can guess what your middle name is. Check it out...it's coming through a little hazy...no, we are definitely getting a name...yep, yep...it's Scatterbrains! Whether it's on your birth certificate or not, that's your middle name this week. So don't make any sudden moves or important decisions (like officially changing your middle name to something queer like "Scatterbrains").

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd) The stars say that if you believe in yourself, so will your new love interest. (Excuse us while we gag on that cheese cube.) In less cliched, more practical terms: Make the first move.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st) The stars warn that "being too affectionate" with someone you just met could lead to a one-night stand. We think they're talking about getting sloppy drunk and slurring, "My place or yours?" while leaning into your date for balance. Which is not always the worst way to while away a Tuesday night. But this week, resist the urge to bed someone immediately if they seem like a keeper: save a little something for later. If they're not a keeper, feel free to go ahead and do the dirty, as long as the feeling's mutual.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th) The stars say you will have no trouble getting what you want this week, but we think that's a little over-confident. How about this: If you make your move with confidence and grace, then the chances that the object of your affection will find you utterly irresistible are greater than that of you getting hit by lightning while indoors.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th) Play hard to get. No whining, just do it.    

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th) Persistence is a tricky thing. Sometimes it can set you apart from the pack, express your drive and passion, and land you your dream (blow) job. Other times, it can make you seem annoying and desperate. This week, on you, it works.