aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Look closely: Are they really as available as they lead you to believe? "Available" isn't just a state of mind, you know.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Who are you and what have you done with the Taurus we know and love? You used to be so much fun to hang around with: the kegstands, the fart jokes, the Barbra Streisand impressions. But these days you're so sensitive. Brush yourself off, get right back on that keg, and do another handstand.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You may be pushing yourself too hard. Hence, you'll feel under the weather. Not optimal conditions for "making sweet music." So don't feel that you have to do something that you may not want to do. For instance, if you've got the sniffles, don't put on that gimp mask. And if you're on the Pepto...well, need we say more?

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You can't fight this feeling anymore. You've forgotten what you started fighting for. If you have to crawl upon the floor, go crushing through their door, baby, you can't fight this feeling anymore.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
A sense of wholeness will help to stimulate your imagination and open up a host of new possibilities that will lead to a fascinating and sensual encounter. Which means either the planets are aligned to take your relationship to the next level of intimacy and trust via some fairly kinky sexual sessions (can you say "strap-on"?), or you'll find some new cozy pants that will allow you to eat way too much without needing to be unbuttoned.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You will meet someone who will bring out the best in you. You will become best friends very quickly. This person will be generous and giving and smart and funny and you will experience mutual respect and appreciation. This person will be hotter than asphalt in August, but--alas--will find you "cute," "cuddly," "the best drinking buddy ever," and "just not my type, sorry."

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Apparently, you're going to drive potential lovers wild this week by unconsciously radiating animal magnetism. But you won't even notice because you'll have your head so far up the butt of work. Well, maybe you'll notice, now that we've told you you won't. Unless you forget about this horoscope five minutes after you read it. Which you probably will. So, yeah, you won't even notice.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
What you want and what you get when it comes to a partner may not be the same this week. Don't let this get you down; turn that frown upside-down by turning the connection into a friendship. And maybe your new friend will introduce you someone special. How's that for a glass-half-full horoscope?

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
How does that picket fence feel crammed up your tush? Not so great, eh? Well, that's what you get for being indecisive. You'll also get someone who may have been a great partner (or at least a great lay) walking out on you. But that's okay, you've got a lot of things going on right now--like having intimate relations with fences.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You're gonna be smooth like butter this week. Better yet, you're gonna be smooth like Fleischmann's Light margarine spread. Have you ever felt that stuff? It's so silky, so creamy, we swear you'll want to get some vinyl sheets from the incontinence aisle at your drug store, open a tub of the marge, get naked with someone and starting buttering each other up like two slices of banana bread. Hey, maybe that could be the "creative approach to getting to know someone better" the stars recommend this week.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Your kindness, consideration, and generosity of spirit are easy pickin's for the ruthless, conniving and deceitful. Like a poor little defenseless piggy, you're ripe for becoming some sexy wolf's chew toy. Build a house made of cynicism and paranoia this week; you can always take it down later, once you've made sure your lovers are de-clawed.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Your heart will be in the right place this week. (And thank goodness for that, because it looked kind of funny on your ass.) We know it's kind of gross when people over-share in an attempt to create a stronger bond of friendship, but you shouldn't be afraid of over-sharing this week. Pour out your heart to someone you're fond of and you won't be sorry. Which isn't to say they won't be sorry for asking, "How are you?" Pick wisely, pick a good listener, don't pick your bartender, and everyone will be the better for it.