fortune_cookie.jpg
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You have great friends--they're funny, charming, attractive, good conversationalists and probably dynamite in the bedroom, too. And the thing is, you're going to be bricking all week. So might we suggest you travel in a posse? No need to hide behind them; just think of them as a temporary safety net until you get your mojo back next week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
What's the fastest animal in the world? An Ethiopian chicken! That's a classic from Truly Tasteless Jokes. We were reminded of it by the speed with which you've been taking things lately in the booty department. Slow down, lest you end up with your head cut off.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Oh dear Gemini, do you know why you're having such little luck in love? All that time at the gym, going shopping, getting your hair cut and plucking your eyebrows won't help you this week. Emphasize that asset that got Shakespeare, George Sands and Oscar Wilde laid: brains. It's like Jennifer Aniston said in one of those "The More You Know" bits on NBC: "Smart is sexier than stupid any day." And, boy, she should know.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
This may be hard to hear, but it's not always about you. Sure, sometimes it's good to sit at home and wallow in the meaning of your particular place in the universe (and whether or not you've been seated with the cool kids). But if you'd stop navel-gazing for a few minutes, you'd realize that a certain someone has been trying to make eye contact with you all night. Wake up and smell the hottie!

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If you wouldn't buy a car from a fast-talking salesman, why would you buy a line from a fast-talking pick-up artist? Be a smart sex consumer and shop around for the best deal out there.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
The stars often advise against secret affairs. Are that many people who read horoscopes really engaging in such unethical, deceitful, dishonest behavior? Apparently so, you dirty dogs. This week, Virgos are the ones in the high risk category for doing things they normally wouldn't do, because normally they are good, decent, caring people. But this week? Proceed with caution. And consider yourself warned.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Freedom is a revolving door that you're not ready to lock just yet. If someone is pushing you to be his or her one and only, give them the "talk to the hand" sign and don't let the door smack your ass on the way out.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Decisions, they're so difficult, aren't they? Which one to go to dinner with? Which one to go down on? How many players in the playing field is too many? Oh, it's all so confusing and bothersome. What the hell, why not screw them all for now and let the decision make itself when they discover what a ten-timing bastard you really are.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Oooh, aren't we popular this week, like a homecoming queen with a penchant for partying, her own Porsche, Daddy's credit card and keys to the family country house (the one with the heated outdoor jacuzzi). Enjoy the attention, just don't get drunk and pass out, lest you end up with a trashed house and a need for Planned Parenthood.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You've been dating suits for way too long; it's time to get out there and meet a creative type. Do whatever it takes to throw yourself in their path--join trivia night, take life drawing classes, model nude for life drawing classes, etc. (If you're quite happy with your suited significant other, then maybe the two of you just need a little more creative energy in your relationship. Maybe you could take a life drawing class together.)

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Either shit (i.e. commit) or get off the pot (i.e. get out of town, preoccupy your time with sports, go out with your friends, join the circus, get a haircut, do something).

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
There's a fine line between eager and desperate, and you're teetering dangerously close to the latter. Tone down the new puppy act and play it cool like the Fonz for a while (just don't jump the shark!). Save the slobbering tongue kisses and chair leg-humping for next week.


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Em & Lo, more formally known as Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey, are the self-proclaimed Emily Posts of the modern bedroom.

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