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Okay, so she was really 35 years old. But when L., a new patient, revealed to me that she hadn't yet had sex, she really meant no sex--not the Clinton version of sexual relations, but no penetration or orgasms of any kind with a partner. L. had decided that she was finally ready, but was anxious about what it would be like. Her friends, upon hearing that L. finds tampons uncomfortable, told her, "You're screwed. You'd better see a doctor for advice." The irony of "screwed" aside, this was a less-than considerate response to L.'s concerns.
The average age of first intercourse is around 17 years in the U.S., and roughly 90 percent of us have done the deed by age 24. But that leaves a good number of our sisters who are delaying the first time until their late 20s or beyond. It may be for religious reasons, or cultural, or the mess factor...or one (or more) of a thousand reasons. Given that we're living in a time when nearly everything is now okay--anal sex, threesomes, vibrators that sing, etc.--shouldn't we be supportive of all the choices that women make on the subject? Which, of course, includes choosing not to do any of those things, or waiting until the perfect guy, the perfect moment. So if a virgin friend asks you for any advice, be compassionate and tell her the following:
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I'm a 24 year old virgin looking to possibly give my virginity to a relative stranger soon. I can sympathize with L in a way. A few years ago I started going to a gyno because of some wacky periods. The nurse taking my history was shocked when I said that I was a virgin. She doubted me. "Are you sure?" she asked. I can understand the surprise a bit because as you say 90% of people have lost it by the time their 24 and everyone has different definitions of sex and virginity. But the woman's constant shock made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. I felt like fucking the next guy I saw just to not experience that again.
A couple years later I had a traumatizing experience at the doctor's. It was the same office, but the doc that I knew and liked apparently left and I got stuck with his colleague. They just moved into the office and things weren't quite smooth. I was called into the exam room by the nurse. Told to change and he'd be right in. Thirty to forty minutes later, my anxiety was through the roof. Anxiety coupled with nudity got me wet. I got dressed and stormed out of the room. A kind nurse saw me and asked what was wrong. I explained to her on the verge of tears. She guided me back into the room and went to get the doctor. I heard him scolding his staff for not telling him I had been waiting. And I heard him say he had to leave to go somewhere. He came back in clearly in a hurry. He didn't bother reading my history and the nurse didn't check to see if I was still a virgin. He jammed the instrument in my vagina and expressed surprse at the hard time he was having. The nurse offered lube and he said I was at the perfect moisture. He asked when the last time I had sex was. I said never. I think he might have broken my hymen. Needless to say, I haven't been back since.
How absolutely horrifying. No doctor (or nurse) should treat ANY patient this way--I'm so sorry your experience was so horrible. Know that all gynos are not such pricks, and ask your girlfriends who they go to for a referral. I would hate to see your health at risk because of an idiot like this one.
But I encourage you to only have intercourse when you're really ready, with a guy who's worthy of you. Don't let anyone, including medical professionals, try to tell you that you're abnormal, or wrong. Not having sex yet has likely kept you STD-free and unplanned-pregnancy-free, so it's worked well for you, you know?
I am 19 and not planning on having sex any time soon-for many different reasons. Like dr kate said...it cuts chances of std and pregnancy to zero, but also because i want it to be a memorable experience with a guy i really love. dont let your frustration with those with bad bedside manner in the medical field get you down!
on a different note...i am also concerned about my first experience with the renowned speculum. All the doctors i see take FOREVER to come in and talk to me and give me an exam (my eye doctor doesnt even do that part-am "worked up" by a nurse). Why cant they take time to talk to us and build a relationship?
Doctors seem to be charging more and doing less....why????
more than all this information on healthy vaginas and cervixes and sex.....I WANT TO KNOW HOW TO FIND A GOOD DOCTOR. cannot even explain how scared i am.
Alexis, the best way to find a good doctor is to find a happy patient - in other words, ask your female friends and family members if they like their gyno. That way you'll know you're seeing a compassionate doc before you even schedule the appointment. Good luck.