EM: So, what did you think of Katie Morgan on Sex Toys last night?
LO: Do you even have to ask?!
EM: Okay, well, leaving aside for a moment the ridiculousness of this PBS-style documentary, completely with pipe-y classical music and archive footage and then she's completely naked and just keeps walking in front of the clips...
LO: ...and hitting herself in the face with dildos, like, "Oops, I did it again!" Um, yeah, I'm having a little trouble leaving all that aside. Though I did kind of like some of the Brady Bunch-esque graphics.
EM: And I have to admit that I did learn something: who knew that Cleopatra invented the first vibrator by putting a bunch of bees inside a gourd and shaking it so they'd buzz?
LO: Maybe that explains what happened to all the millions of bees that have gone missing in this country...?
EM: So did you like anything about the show?
LO: It reminded me that I was born in the wrong era when it comes to porn--that old black and white stuff from the '20s is so much hotter.
EM: Seriously.
LO: And then they cut to that goateed dude with the bad tan lines who's testing out the penis vibrator...serious cold shower. How is it possible that someone paid this man to undress?
EM: And could his apartment have been any more depressing? Sometimes amateur porno sets bring me to tears.
LO: Yeah, well you also cried during Coyote Ugly, so that's not saying much. Speaking of tears, what about those three women in the lab testing out the fucking machines simultaneously? I wanted to take them home and hug them and tell them everything would be okay.

EM: And what's up with all the women moaning in ecstasy while going down on a dildo? I know that's a thing for some lesbians, but I just don't buy that it's a trend that's sweeping the nation.
LO: I can't believe they had two women sucking either end of a double dildo like an X-rated version of the spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp. They actually went there.
EM: Still, all that said, I have to say that I found Katie kind of endearing at times...
LO: Are you fucking kidding me? Have I taught you nothing?!
EM: I mean, I just think it's kind of impressive that she can stand there with her fake boobs and Brazilian wax talking about spanking and yet she still sounds kind of sweet.
LO: You mean saccharine...I think maybe she inhaled some helium when that blow-doll deflated in her face.
EM: Well, all I'm saying is that I couldn't stand there naked and talk about sex toys.
LO: And that's why you're in business with me and not Jenna Jameson.
EM: Besides, I don't have the boobs for it.
LO: Oh please. What, do you think Katie's pair were a gift from the gods?