aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You know what we did this weekend? We ordered in, we watched TV and we did the Sunday Times crossword. And you know how many new people we met? None! This week, you need to do as we say, not as we do. And we say: get out there and mingle. It doesn't matter if it's a party, a concert, a PTA meeting or the line at the DMV, as long as there are other humans around. We're not saying that everyone will embrace your social butterfly act this week, but all it takes is one, right? And hey, if we've helped you make one special friend at the DMV, well then, it's all worthwhile.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You've been a backseat driver for too long; it's time to kick out the jerkface who carjacked your love life and take control! Pick up the phone and make a date. Now. You're still reading? Get outta here! Go on, get out!

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You know that witty little commentary you occasionally play in your head but don't let out because you're afraid people might throw tomatoes? Well, you just flew in from Chicago and boy, are your arms tired! That's right, you'll be here all week folks, so don't hold back. Tell it like it is in your own inimitable way and people will be laughing near you instead of at you.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
We noticed you've been acting a little strange lately. Perhaps you're under the impression that joining that Russian novels book club (no English translations permitted) or participating in open mic night is the only path to finding true love (or at least a date). Well, for some people it is. But you seem to have forgotten that A) you don't speak Russian and B) the only song you can play is "You Are My Sunshine." Save yourself the embarrassment and stick to your usual haunts this week. If you're really craving variety, try ordering a White Russian next time your bartender asks, "The usual?"

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If your relationship equals Rome, and Rome wasn't built in a day, then what does that mean? Anyone, anyone? That your relationship needs time to grow and develop and prosper. Don't rush things. And don't get as depressed as an unarmed gladiator up against a hungry lion if things don't go quite the way you expect at first. If the two of you were meant to build an empire together, then you'll have plenty of time to plan your complex road system later.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
What the world needs now is love, sweet love. So tap into your touchy-feely side this week. Give out free hugs, kisses, back rubs, and oral sex administrations to anyone who will take them. Note: This is not an invitation for all you perverts out there to get your cheap thrills by copping unsolicited feels. What we're talking about is giving a little tactile comfort, that basic human need, to those really in need, without expecting or asking for reciprocation.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Maybe you haven't always been smooth of tongue around a certain someone. You mentally compose eloquent sentences that would charm and dazzle, if only you could get them out. Instead, you end up spouting what sounds like a recipe for lasagna read backwards. Perhaps a globule of your saliva even landed on their glasses, to add mortification to mere embarrassment. Well, you can put all that behind you this week, because the stars have deigned you a smooth talker for the next seven days. Don't waste it all on the guy at the lunch counter: grab that certain someone by the lapels and tell them how you feel.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You've got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away and know when to run. This week, we recommend folding.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
New love is like a bunny. A little, soft, scared and trembling bunny-wunny. We know the bunny's cute and all, but go easy on the hugs and kisses or it might get scared and run away. Or you might break its neck. And then where would you be? One hundred percent bunny-less, that's where.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You know all those things you say after six too many gin and tonics? The nice things, we mean--when you get that slushy gushy feeling that you're in love with the world and it seems like a good idea to wake one of the world's citizens at five a.m. and tell them so. This week, forgo the Dutch courage and say all that gushy stuff anyway.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don't be a noodge. Don't be a player. Don't be "the ball." Just be the dude in the back bleachers with the glove and a beer and let the home runs come to you.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
We would usually commend your high energy levels, your bottomless well of creative dating ideas, your enthusiasm for trying new things in the bedroom (that thing with the popsicle and chocolate sauce was brilliant). But this week, if you want any quality close-and-cozy time, then take a chill pill. Let your partner drive for a change and give your Power Bars away to your Aries friends.