The world of sex headlines is full of news of the weird--just a glance at today's papers alone brings us the man who married his dog to make amends for stoning two other dogs to death, the man who was nabbed by the police for driving while under the influence of porn, and the man who tried to claim escort agency services as a tax-deductible expense related to his relocation. Most of the time we don't pass this stuff on though because, well, we like to think we're better people than that. But every now and then we're not. And today is one of those days.

The headline that captured our hearts this time is the tale of the buttcheek bandits of Valentine, Nebraska. Apparently the bandits have been lubing up their butt cheeks (amongst other private parts) and then leaving prints on the windows of business, schools, and churches.

The local paper described the men as "lewd, lubricated, lurching lunatics." The amazing thing is, this has been going on since May. Who knew a bare-assed man and an industrial-sized vat of KY could go undetected for so long? The other amazing thing: Would you know an ass-print if you saw one rendered in Vaseline on glass?