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Forget Sponge-worthy--the new measure of a man is whether or not he is Facebook-worthy. Actually, if you're old enough to remember what it meant to be Sponge-worthy, then you're probably too old to be worrying about how your relationship plays out on Facebook. Oh, who are we kidding--if you're single, of course you're on Facebook. (In fact, relationship status and age have little to do with it...even Em's dad has a Facebook profile.)

So anyway, apparently the "in a relationship with [link to your honey's profile here]" is the new varsity pin. And Facebook's "it's complicated" pulldown option is the new umfriend. As in, "This is Biff, my, um, friend." And, of course, all of this plays out in the new "public": your friends' news feeds. So when you absentmindedly adjust your answer to the religion field during a bout of Facebook-surfing insomnia, your friends all think you just had a Saul-on-the-road-to-Damascus moment.
We have mixed feelings on Facebook--neither Lo nor her guy are on any social networking sites, figuring that (a) like Trix, they're for kids, and (b) they're just for hooking up and nosing on exes. Whereas Em and her guy are both on it and use it for (a) nosing on exes, but mostly (b) playing Scrabulous (yes, with each other sometimes). That said, we completely agree on the following points of relationship etiquette in the age of Facebook:

1) Just because Facebook offers you the option to announce to your entire network of friends that you and this guy hooked up back in the early nineties and "it was [insert adjective]" doesn't mean you should. In fact, we'd go so far as to say that you shouldn't. That's just tacky, man.

2) Before inviting your old flame to be your cyber-pal, ask yourself, "Do I really want to log onto Facebook each morning to be greeted by his inane status updates about how much he lifted at the gym that morning or how she's self-medicating with cupcakes? (Handy tip: If you didn't, in fact, ask yourself this, you can rectify the situation using a nifty Facebook feature: you just tell Facebook that you'd like more news about this person, pretty please, and much less news about this person.)

3) Think twice before requesting that your brand-new boyfriend link his profile to yours, thereby placing yourself in everyone's news feed: "Biff and Buffy are in a relationship." Are you sure the relationship is ready for this? New relationships can be delicate little things and may crumble under too much pressure. To be safe, we'd recommend saving the Facebook status update until you've either met each other's parents or met each other's assholes, whichever comes first.

4) If you're trying to pass yourself off as single, be advised that your new hook-up will check you out on Facebook and may not take too kindly to your "in a relationship" status.

5) Just because your boyfriend doesn't want to link his profile to yours doesn't mean he's trying to pass himself off as single. Maybe he just thinks that whole Facebook announcement thing is kind of gay. (Just like varsity pins.)

6) It's okay to delete a brand new ex from your friend list, though consider this alternative: using the tool mentioned in #2 to limit your exposure to his profile. That way you don't have to announce the frumping to your entire network of friends (and his).

On a final note, if you decide he is Facebook-worthy and you're ready to get really serious--i.e. look-ma-no-condoms serious, a.k.a. serious as cancer...or should that be, serious as herpes--then you should know that the Sponge is back on the market and in ample supply. So bonk away!



2 Comments

Anna said:

This is so true and I think its a bit pathetic. As a joke I once put up my status as "its complicated" with a male friend of mine, almost immediately I got questions from my girlfriends about who he was and when did we start dating.

As far as the other part - why is relationship status on facebook a defining factor for your status?!

Ariel said:

My best friend and I have been "In a Relationship" while at the same being being "Interested in: Men" since we were roommates freshman year and joined Facebook (she has had a boyfriend for over a year and they've never been linked together on the site). It still happens sometimes where people will actually think we are lesbians. We don't care. We actually get pretty proud of ourselves when people do.

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In one sense, revenge sex—when you sleep with your ex's nemesis, roommate, sibling, parent, or pet in order to pay them back for dumping you--totally works: how could your ex not be grossed out / horrified / disillusioned / damaged for life? But unless your ex is a few peas short of a casserole, your cunning plan is sure to backfire, because they'll know exactly why you slept with their paste-eating dork of a sibling, and the most overwhelming emotion they will feel is deep, abiding pity for you.
--From Buh Bye: The Ultimate Guide to Dumping and Getting Dumped






Em & Lo, more formally known as Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey, are the self-proclaimed Emily Posts of the modern bedroom.

Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New York City.

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