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Last month we complained that the headlines of the day made it seem like a bunch of beer-swilling men were making this shit up (à la Miller Lite's Man Laws). This week, we're blaming the ladies for pulling news stories out of their asses...

The "news": Childbirth might just give you the biggest orgasm of your life.
What this really means: Your man will be too obsessed with your impending O to sympathize with the searing pain you are more likely to be experiencing. Also, he will be more determined than ever to bring the video camera into the birthing room.

The "news": Paris Hilton to inherit 97% less money than expected.
What this really means: She'll just have to make more sex tapes.

The "news": Virgin birth is technically feasible. (But walking on water? Not so much.)
What this really means: Yeah, if you're a greenfly.

The "news": Advances in egg freezing technology to "emancipate women as much as the birth control pill did in 1960."
What this really means: It's just one more thing for single women in their 30s to freak out about. And besides, frozen embryos still have a much better survival rate, meaning that this doesn't exactly level the dating playing field.

The "news": Girl gets Toxic Shock Syndrome, modeling contract from tampon use. [via Jezebel]
What this really means: You can still got Toxic Shock Syndrome from your tampon. Who knew?

The "news": 40% of adults cheat on their partners so you're, like, totally justified in snooping on his email. Right?
What this really means: Actually, men are more likely to have one-night stands, while women are more likely to have an affair. Which means that women are more likely to have incriminating evidence lying around in their email or text message inboxes.
 
The "news": That whole thing about shaved hair growing back faster and coarser? Total myth, according to Newsweek.
What this really means: The world is still dominated by pubic hair fascists.


2 Comments

Carol said:

Yeah, why is the world still obsessed with pubic hair-free zones? And an orgasm during child birth?!?! I've had three kids and never once did I ever come close to having one. I feel for those women whose husbands actually believe this might happen.

Lucy said:

You guys are so funny! I make sure to read your blog every day to get my fix on all things sex -- the giggles are just an added bonus!

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After a break-up, do everything you can to avoid rose-colored hindsight. This may include playing that montage of fond memories over and over in the theater of your mind with the Dolby surround-sound system playing Muse or Maroon 5 on repeat. No good can come of this; you'll simply end up feeling more inadequate, lonely, and depressed. Instead, focus on your ex's faults. There must be at least one (besides their ability to live without you), even if it's just a malformed pinkie toe or a tendency to douse every meal in ketchup.
--From Buh Bye: The Ultimate Guide to Dumping and Getting Dumped






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