aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You're peppier than a high school cheerleader on speed this week. That could  be a really hot, taboo, sex fantasy-type thing, or else a really annoying, spastic kind of thing. It all depends on the cheers you choose to do and the crowds you choose to do them in front of. Choose wisely.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You know all those things bumming you out right now? The stuff you've been complaining about? Well, pick up the international section of any paper this week and get some perspective. Things ain't so bad for you. In fact, you've got it pretty good: brains, a healthy sense of sensuality and leisure time. Hey, you're even easy on the eyes (and deep down, you know it). Appreciating what you've got will just make you feel good, and when you feel good it's easier to make other people feel good, and when you make other people feel good it's easier to get them into bed.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Your friends may be charming and delightfully persuasive, but you need to learn when to say no. This schedule is not tenable! And if you attempt to keep up this pace, you'll wear yourself down and sleep right through the alarm clock of love.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
We know you're having a great hair week and all, but it's really not the  time to be on the chase. You might feel that you're denying everyone the  pleasure of your company--the jokes are forming in your head faster  than you can roll them off your tongue, your insights into cultural affairs deserve a guest spot on "Larry King Live"--but trust us, they'll get  over it. When's the last time you enjoyed your own company?

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You'll be able to talk your way into someone's heart this week, even if you have to lie like a dog to get there. Your ability to make them feel good about themselves will ensure that they will stick around. But don't expect them to do the same for you--they might think you're "needy."

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
If you love someone, let them know in a high, squeaky voice, like Alvin and the Chipmunks. If you hate someone, send them an e-mail from an anonymous address. Everyone else you can just ignore.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Boy, those snake charmers sure are sneaky. Use your head this week, and rely on common sense when making any romantic decisions. And beware of anyone who tries to employ melodic flute music to make your body do funny things.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Scorpio, we'd like you to meet The Music. Now face it and shake hands.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
The problem with secret affairs is that you always have to meet in secret, thus greatly reducing your chances of meeting someone new. Yeah, we know we're cynical, but did you really believe that the little tryst that  you can't tell anyone about -- and truthfully, you only told like four or five friends--was going to turn into a lifelong connection?  Face it, your public needs you: don't deny them any longer.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
It's the mistake of many a young woman new to the world of romance to express the depth of her caring physically, i.e. "If I suck him off, then he'll really know how I feel about him." Ah, youth. You're older and wiser (and  maybe not even female), so don't go making the same mistakes this week. Take any intimate encounters for what they are: pure animal instinct. Resist projecting your romantic hopes and wishes onto the situation, you sap.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
"Feelings, nothing more than feelings..." Whatever happened to smarts, common sense, and a cunning plan? Be strategic in matters of the heart this week. We can't promise that you'll win the war, but at least if you lose you won't look like a spinectomy patient driven by fuzzy feelings and neediness alone.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Opposites attract. But eventually they'll repel each other if one tries to change what they originally found attractive in the other. Don't tamper with the laws of physics--otherwise gravity will knock you on your ass.