aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You've been on that Blockbuster waiting list for so long. And now you've finally got that new release you've been interested in seeing. You've brought it home, popped it in and started watching. The beginning's a little slow, so it's time to hit the "fast forward" button and skip to the Big Love Scene.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
No matter how many times you trip over your own shoelaces, put your foot in your mouth, or accidentally get your big toe caught in your lover's bottom this week, somehow you'll still come across as a smooth operator. You may realize you're about as smooth as a teenage chocoholic science-geek's face, but your starry-eyed significant O will be none the wiser. So don't sweat it.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
This week, focus on balancing your mind/body duality. The messages you send out with your mouth and your body language should be equal parts smarts and tartiness.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You have a tendency to overachieve, and good for you! But this week, we want you to sit back and let someone else have the spotlight. Make it your own personal vacation without going anywhere. Sit on your hands if you must. You might feel impatient being out of the chase, but the right person will notice you sitting quietly there in the corner.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You know that saying, "Actions speak louder than words"? Well, it's a big fat lie. At least where you're romantically concerned this week. If you want the time for talk to be over, then you have to start talking in the first place! Recite poetry, compliment, charm, seduce. Your partner (potential or permanent) needs to hear it.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
We have two things to say to you, Libra. One: If someone is arguing for the sake of arguing, shut up and let them blabber on until they think they've won (you'll know who the real winner is). Two: Remember that no one wants to move into a new house until the former tenants have moved out and taken all their junk with them. Old lovers are like squatters or left baggage--make sure all traces of them are gone before you expect a new love to settle in. That's two to grow on.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Silly Putty. That's what anyone you put the charm on this week will be in your hands. But the Silly Putty won't come to you. You've got to get out there, visit that kitschy trinket store, drop a few bucks and crack open the plastic egg yourself.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Pretend we're your coach. And pretend we just called a time-out. This time-out's going to last all week. Spend the time listening carefully and avoiding any sudden plays. Should you choose to ignore our call, you may be benched for the season.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This week, you'll have a chance to ride off into the sunset! We've always assumed that people who ride off into the sunset together are on their way to having great sex (and we're usually right about these things). So once you get wherever you're going, send us a postcard and let us know!

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
No more stalling. No more furtive glances and loaded looks across the room. No more of the strong-but-silent routine. It's time to talk the talk. Then,  and only then, will you be able to walk the walk of fame/shame.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
In one of Em's favorite--and one of Lo's least favorite--movies, Notting Hill, Hugh Grant plays a hapless travel bookstore owner. At least five times a day, a customer will walk in and ask, "Any mystery books?" "No, sorry, this is a travel bookstore," Hugh explains politely. "Ah, I see. How about romance novels?" "Well, no, because those  aren't travel books," he says. "So no Winnie-the-Pooh then?" And so on. Guess which character you are? Sorry, not the floppy-haired Hugh--you're the clueless customer, and you've been looking for mystery books, romance novels, and love in all the wrong places. Head on over to your nearest Barnes and Noble superstore ASAP! You don't even need to browse the  shelves; just sip an overpriced, watered-down cappuccino in the coffee corner and see who takes your fancy.