aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
This week, your intellectual banter--your verbal vim and vigor, as it were--will be mesmerizing. Especially to whichever sex you consider to be the fairer one. You'll appear to others like the love child of Alex Trebek and Charlie Rose. Except much, much hotter. But don't make the mistake of falling so deeply in love with the sound of your own voice that you forget to use your hypnotic powers to score some good lovin'--know when to shut up and start giving the other kind of good oral.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Be a go-getter. Don't take no for an answer. Close the deal. Make the sale. Visualize success. Be in it for the long haul. Be the ball. Do everything those Motivational Posters tell you to do, except do it in the bedroom. Now who's the boss of you, huh?

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
This is not the week to do any ass kissing--literally or figuratively. Bide your time, play hard to get, don't make any promises you can't keep, keep them guessing...in other words, embody every romantic cliché about playing the game of love. Don't think of it as living a lie, think of it as keeping secret the fact that you're usually a romantic wimp.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Talk is cheap. It's also a fabulous way to get into someone's pants. Which should make your week, considering that you're currently blessed with a honey tongue, totally broke, and in more dire need of a good shag than anyone we've seen in a long time.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Rose-colored glasses are good for depressed pessimists who need a little something to brighten their outlook on life. They are not so good for naïve and deluded idealists who have a problem seeing things for what they are. Virgo, our friend, you're falling into the latter category this week. Bless you for being so trusting and hopeful, but we'd hate to see you end up just asking for lemon when someone tries to pass off a pile of dog doodie served on a silver tray as high tea.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You'll feel like Gulliver tied down by the Lilliputians this week. Break free from your chains and squash those annoying little obligations like bugs. Continue your travels. Bring extra-large protection in case you meet any giants.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Resist any temptation to talk about your past relationships with a new partner. We know, it's hard--after all, the assholes who've beaten your heart into a bloody pulp have made you the cold and bitter person you are today. But stories about how you ate nothing but marshmallows for ten days straight after your ex left you for their golden retriever just aren't sexy. They just aren't.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Flirting isn't always harmless. If not administered carefully, it can shoot someone's eye out. You may think you're a skilled marksman: just enough extended eye contact, not too much coyness, a double entendre here, a shoulder squeeze there. But even the best coquettes miss their targets sometimes. And then they end up with psycho stalkers looking for sweet, sweet revenge.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Are you ready for rejection? Are you dying for a dis? Hoping for a Heisman? Begging for a big fat "not if my life depending on it"? We didn't think so. Best to keep your mouth shut and be a quiet observer for the week. For whatever reason--pet death in their family, bacne break-out, sudden email from their ex--now is not the time to make your patented "move" on that certain someone, unless you want your heart put through the blender.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Ask yourself this: are you ready to settle down? We know you eventually want to, but you're a free spirit Aquarius, will you ever really be ready? Well, probably not this week, at least. Phew! Thought that was a close one, didn't you? Don't worry, marriage and kids don't come until next week.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Never underestimate the influence of a little potpourri and some scented candles. Seriously, if you have to drop some majorly bad news/have The Big Talk/finally admit to your best friend that you slept with her dad in high school, why do it under florescent lighting in a room that smells of weeks-old dirty laundry? Whether your objective this week is booty or break-up, be like Martha and feng shui the moment.