In a recent article on the Huffington Post, How to Be Faithful, Matt Titus provides a grade-school-reading-
level guide to staying true to one's spouse (it's his way of giving himself a gold star for getting married monogamy right the second time around). He then boasts about the rush he gets from not sleeping with a European hottie he meets at a coffee shop: beautiful strangers make eyes over vanilla lattes, she asks to join him, he consents, they chit-chat, he reminisces to himself about how he'd have slept with this European hottie within minutes in his last marriage, he mentions out loud that he has a wife, he reminds himself that cheating is harder than monogamy, and then he goes home to his wife. Unlaid.

"For the first time in my life I realized what the real challenge was about being in this situation," he writes. "The real challenge was NOT SLEEPING with this beautiful woman. And because I like to think of myself as something of an adrenaline junkie, man, do I love challenges. But this one wasn't a 'challenge' at all. It became easier and easier when I let the repercussions of sleeping with her dictate my actions." Another gold star for you, Matt!!

While we're totally with him that fantasizing is not a crime--we think there'd be a whole lot less cheating going on if we all allowed ourselves a bit more room to fantasize in long-term, monogamous relationships--there's a fine line between letting your dirty mind wander and putting your relationship in harm's way, just for the rush of staying true to your one-and-only. Monogamy is not bullet-proof, and the more you put it to the test, the more likely you are to shatter it. Okay, we're feeling metaphor-happy: monogamy is like a fluffy little duckling that needs to be coddled. And inviting a beautiful stranger to share coffee with you is not exactly coddling the duckling. Late-night boozy drinks with an ex-booty call? Don't count on your five-point no-cheating plan to be there for you. Duckling lovers would go for a lunch instead, we think.

Have you ever got a rush from an infidelity near-miss--or have you even invited temptation in just to prove you could handle it? Or are you more likely to make prophylactic decisions to keep temptation at bay? And if you were married to our Mr. Titus, would you give him a gold star for his coffee date, or would you rather he'd never invited her to his table in the first place?

Rachel Kramer Bussel's response to Titus, also on HuffPo, reminded us of this excellent quote by Esther Perel, author of the book Mating in Captivity: "I meet many couples in my practice who may be sexually faithful and are betraying each other in so many other ways. Neglect, indifference, contempt, lack of respect, stonewalling, disqualifying, devaluing, ridiculing, lying, deceit and so on. There are so many ways that people let each other down, betray each other, tear the trust, demean each other, all the while they are sexually faithful. So why is it that we think sexual betrayal is the mother of them all?" Amen to that. (Which brings us back to the question of emotional vs. physical affairs. See? Gossip Girl is at the center of everything!)

Bussel, one of the most prolific sex writers and bloggers we know--not to mention one of the nicest people in the biz--goes on to make a case for open relationships in her article. Though we can't wrap our hearts around the idea of open relationships, in our heads the idea makes perfect sense, especially given the number of cheating assholes out there (Rachel describes an accidental sort-of-date with one of them in her article) and reformed cheaters who just can't resist proving their super-hero-like fidelity skills to themselves. (We guess we're just not evolved enough to be missing the jealousy gene...also, our research leads us to believe that the set-up works best when the woman is bi and interested in "straying" only with other women.)

In the meantime, we've got a duckling to coddle. (And who said monogamy never sounds dirty?!)