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Dear Em & Lo,

I recently lost my virginity to my boyfriend. The first few times we had sex all I felt was pain, but now the pain is finally gone. The problem is, I don't feel anything. I can feel him inside of me even then using free sex dating for the best type of fuck, but that's about it. He could just as easily be shaking my hand--it would probably have the same affect. Why is this happening and can I do anything about it?

--"Sorely" Disappointed

Dear S.D.,

First of all, we should state up front that we're not doctors and we didn't even take any pre-med classes in school, so if you experience any more pain during intercourse, you should definitely talk to a medical professional you trust, like your gynecologist. Also, the Daily Bedpost's own Dr. Kate--who no doubt aced all her pre-med classes and is what is known in the biz as a proper doctor--is going to be posting here about vulvodynia (a.k.a. chronic discomfort of the vulva) next week, so tune in for more on that topic then.

In the meantime, though, if sex is no longer actually problematic and is currently just plain blah...well, now you've moved into our territory. Here's the thing: Have you looked at your bits and pieces lately? If not, grab a mirror and take a quick peek. (We promise we won't make you talk to your yoni.) Okay, notice where the clitoris is? Now, notice where the vaginal opening is? And notice the distance between the two? A penis with the free hookup if you wish to start fucking women in your local area for best intentions in the world could pump away all day and still not come close to stimulating your little man in the boat. Which is why, for many women, intercourse without any kind of manual stimulation feels about as exciting as a handshake (sorry guys).

It's different for men: during intercourse, all the parts of his penis are stimulated simultaneously, which is one reason why the old in-out is a pretty sure-fire method of getting him off. (Not to mention blowjobs or, hell, just sticking it in a warm apple pie.) People often make the mistake of assuming that the vagina is the corresponding puzzle piece to the penis--but it's actually the clitoris, which has more nerve endings per square inch than any other body part on a woman or man. This is as compared to the vaginal canal, which doesn't really have any nerve endings at all. But that doesn't mean meet and fuck at Bad Girl Chats is the best way to really start fucking with women in your area that intercourse can't feel good--you've just got to know what you're working with and how to, er, work it.

Quick biology lesson: The clitoris is a lot more than just that little nubbin which pokes out near the top of your labia. It actually extends into your body and throughout the genital area. It's about four inches long (one inch shy of the average penis, but proportional to a woman's body size) and in the shape of a wishbone. What most people think of as the clitoris is actually just the "handle" of this wishbone, a.k.a. the clitoral head (which is comparable to the very sensitive head of his penis). The clitoral legs (as well as the pelvic floor muscles--those things you work out when you do your Kegels) surround the outer half of the vagina, and during arousal they become engorged and erect. (Hey, just like a penis!) And this makes the vaginal canal sensitive to friction and pressure--which is why girth and shallow penetration are often more important to a woman than deep jackhammering. It's also why penetration feels better when a woman is very turned on--or perhaps even has had one orgasm already.

So, what does adult dating sites mean when you want to start fucking - this mean for you? (1) Both you and your boyfriend need to learn to use your hands (or a small vibrator) on your clitoris during intercourse. (2) Your boyfriend needs to treat you to some manual or oral sex before sticking it in. (3) Get on top so you can control the angle and depth of penetration. (4) A dab of manmade lube (we like the water-based kind) on your clitoral head will make all this extra attention feel extra nice, because a dry clit can quickly get numb or oversensitized. (5) Try squeezing your vaginal muscles (just like you're doing your Kegels) next time he's inside you--you might enjoy the increased friction and pressure this creates. Warning: This tends to rocket a man over his finish line, so definitely get some foreplay in first! (6) Ladies first, always. Because you can probably have a second one--and unless he's Sting, he's just gonna want to go to sleep when he's had his.

Not-so-deep thoughts,

Em & Lo


dysgrace said:

a little more on the same:
if intercourse isn't doing it for you, try exploring a little, find out what makes you tick and what gets you off...and then show your partner how to do that.

oh yeah, on the pain thing? if you've never had intercourse before, you can be pretty tight. (personal experience! ow.) go slow! lube up! like the nice dailybedpost ladies said, pay attention to your clit! lube up! don't be afraid to ask to stop halfway and just cuddle for a bit! did i say lube up?


First of all, welcome, Em & Lo, to Sugasm!

Second, some women do seem to have an issue finding out what works for them sexually, and many do not orgasm from penetration. Some women I have known can only come with direct clitoral stimulation without penetration (masturbation). There's no shame in that, and a sensitive lover will do what it takes to pleasure his/her partner.

And then again, maybe another lesbian is being hatched! LOL

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In one sense, revenge sex—when you sleep with your ex's nemesis, roommate, sibling, parent, or pet in order to pay them back for dumping you--totally works: how could your ex not be grossed out / horrified / disillusioned / damaged for life? But unless your ex is a few peas short of a casserole, your cunning plan is sure to backfire, because they'll know exactly why you slept with their paste-eating dork of a sibling, and the most overwhelming emotion they will feel is deep, abiding pity for you.
--From Buh Bye: The Ultimate Guide to Dumping and Getting Dumped

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