We hate the word sexpert, but on Jamye Waxman, it works. Okay, so she's more officially known as a sexologist (seeing as, unlike us, she actually has a Masters in this shit) and she's also one of the nicest people in the biz. She's a former sex educator for Babeland.com and currently writes an advice column for Playgirl Magazine. Also, in her spare time she co-wrote, directed, and hosted the "Personal Touch" Video Series for Adam and Eve Pictures and produced "Under the Covers" with adult film pioneer Candida Royalle. Her newest book is the most excellent Getting Off: A Woman's Guide to Masturbation. We sat down to chat with her about jilling off.

E&L: What made you want to write a book about female masturbation?

JW: For starters, I love orgasms, and I love giving myself orgasms. That's one of the reasons I wanted to write this book, to let other women know it's cool to give yourself orgasms, and that sometimes the best orgasms you can get are the ones you create. I also wanted women to stop feeling ashamed or embarrassed about masturbating and to provide a really comprehensive guide to female solo sex. And I wanted to help continue the work that Betty Dodson started, and liberate masturbation for the next generation. When I started my research I realized that while I thought we had come a long way toward the acceptance of female masturbation, we still have a long way to go, and that's why I feel this book is necessary.

E&L: What do you think is the biggest myth surrounding female masturbation?

JW: That women who do it are desperate and can't find a partner. So many magazines still emphasize how to have the best! Partner! Sex! Ever! But they don't often talk about how to pleasure yourself and how good that can be and feel. I think masturbation is thought of as second-tier sex and honestly it's so not, and we need to understand that it's cool to masturbate regardless of if you're in a relationship or not, and that it's even cooler to masturbate for and with your partner. We need to understand that doing it does not make you desperate or needy or hard up, that doing it makes you more aware of your body and that helps you have better sex, whether alone,
or with a partner.

E&L: What's your favorite sex toy and why?

JW: Right now my favorite sex toy is the Pure Wand by njoy toys. It's a hard, cold, curved stainless steel dildo and it's the first toy I've used inside my vagina that makes me go, "Oh wow," every single time. I've had some of my best internal orgasms with this toy and I've even squirted every single time I've used it. Squirting, by the way, is great, but not always an orgasm. Still I love the release it provides me. I highly recommend the Pure Wand [Ed: Babeland calls it the Jupiter Wand, FYI]. It's hard, heavy and rocks my world.

E&L: What's your most memorable incident involving a sex toy?

JW: Hmm...well, let's see. Squirting with the njoy was definitely memorable. But my most memorable experience ever was with my first vibrator, an ivory, hard plastic, Slimline vibe. Once I ripped it open and put it on my clit, I had an orgasm. Well, within like two minutes. It was the first time I knew I had had an orgasm, and that made me realize that it was the first time I had ever had an orgasm. That "Oh Goddess! Now I get it moment" was the most
memorable moment I've had with a sex toy.

E&L: Do you think it's possible get addicted to sex toys? What would you say to the woman who can only get herself off with a toy, not with her hand?

JW: I don't think it's possible to get addicted to sex toys. I use sex toys often, and when I take a break I can get off with a hand or a tongue. Even when I'm using sex toys I can get off with a hand or a tongue, it just takes
longer than it does with a toy. I'd tell a woman who can only get herself off with a toy, to remember first off that the brain is your biggest sex organ ever and that what you're thinking about when you're playing with yourself can make all the difference. If she's thinking that she can't get herself off, she needs to start talking up the fact that she can, and that it feels good to do so with her hand. She needs to visualize having that orgasm, and how happy she'll be that she did it without outside help and that she did it for herself. Also she shouldn't give up after fifteen,
twenty minutes. Time doesn't matter. She can't let herself get stressed out about how long it might take, she needs to set aside as much time as she needs to get off, and she needs to just let herself go there. Go with the
flow so to speak. If she can't reach orgasm that first day, there's always tomorrow. Oh, and she should use lube so she doesn't irritate her clit or her vagina. Even if she's got her own natural lubricant, which she probably
does, lube is a great helper for all things sex.




E&L: You participated in a film where you masturbated on camera. Can you tell us a bit about that experience?

JW: It was so cool to masturbate on video for Betty Dodson. I mean, she is my inspiration and she really is the coolest grandma figure I know. Basically I went to Betty's apartment, and there were three other people, besides Betty there, and I sat on a mattress and watched Betty play with herself while I played with myself too. It was awesome to be doing this in the presence of such greatness. Betty wanted me to use my hand, and I'm really a vibrator girl when it comes to masturbation, so I had trained by not using my vibe for the past two weeks. And it was awesome. I came in like ten minutes. It was so easy, because even the people doing the filming, Marianne and Jack from Libida Films, were fun to be around. It was a totally relaxed environment, and I found it so easy to get comfortable on camera. Of course I got my makeup done and wore a wig, but that was more for me, so that in case I would have a hard time getting into the headspace, I could go in as someone else. In the end you know it's me, but I look a little different, with a reddish black bob. I used my real name and my voice, and Eric, Betty's partner, laughed and said everyone would know it was me, but I didn't care. I needed to feel comfortable, and since what goes out on camera stays out there forever, I wanted to make sure I did what I needed for myself that first time. If I did it again, I might just use my real hair!

E&L: You've been teaching women about sex for years; what surprised you most during your research for this book?

JW: I was most surprised by how much female masturbation is still looked down upon. How it's still okay for guys to do it, but not for girls. It's weird, but like I said, if you do it for yourself, then people assume there's something wrong in your relationship, or that you can't land a guy.

E&L: Is it important that women fantasize during masturbation, or can it ever just be about scratching a physical itch? And how can a woman who's drawing a blank learn to fantasize?

JW: I don't fantasize often when I masturbate. In fact most of the time I just focus on the sensations, and I squeeze my PC muscles (pelvic floor muscles) and let the rest just happen [Ed: This is the same movement as doing Kegel exercises]. But when I do fantasize, I think about my partner going down on me, or someone I'm attracted to fucking me for the first time and that usually works. If a woman is drawing a blank and she wants to fantasize, she can take the fodder from her favorite sex scene in a movie or TV show, or think about a past encounter that turns her on. I also like to keep the blinds open sometimes and think about that someone might be watching. That I'm performing for the stranger across the street. That's another hot fantasy. But good, happy, past sexual experiences are usually great things to think about when you're alone and touching yourself.

E&L: What's the best female masturbation advice you've ever received?

JW: Don't be ashamed about what you need to do to get off. If you like things up your butt, take them up your butt. If you have dirty fantasies, go with them. Don't ever judge yourself for how you like to get off.

E&L: What's the best female masturbation advice you've ever given?

JW: Relax..all good things come...in the end. Maybe not the first time, or the second, but if you want to come, you will learn to come. Also, I think that orgasm isn't the be all, end all--all the time. Masturbation is about pleasure and knowledge is pleasure. And just knowing about your body will allow you to feel more pleasure alone or with a partner. Oh, and the clit is way more important to orgasm than the vagina.

E&L: Do you like to watch your partner masturbate?

JW: Yes! Of course. I love that he masturbates, I actually encourage it. And I like watching him do it, because then I know where he likes to touch himself. Masturbation is one of the best teaching tools when it comes to
partner sex.  

E&L: Has anyone ever accidentally walked in on you while you were masturbating? Or have you ever walked in on someone else?

JW: I've walked in on my partner masturbating, but usually when I do I just ask if I can watch. Like I said, it's the best way to get to know what he likes, and it turns me on to know that he's capable of getting himself this aroused. I love making eye contact with him when he masturbates, and I just find orgasm faces so exciting!

Jamye Waxman is the author of Getting Off: A Woman's Guide to Masturbation. Read more about her at JamyeWaxman.com.