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Dear Em and Lo,

My boyfriend and I are in a committed and loving relationship, and have been for about a year and a half. We have been together and in love since the night we met, and the very next day we moved in together. He has the kindest heart, the most beautiful and creative soul, the most brilliant mind, and he is the most gorgeous Herculean piece of ass to have ever walked this earth. We have never had a fight or raised our voices at each other, though this issue I am about to tell you about has brought many tears.

We are and always have been open to inviting girls into our bedroom, however my boyfriend has had a nagging worry that seems only to be getting stronger. He feels that because I am bisexual, there is "a special set of feelings and attractions reserved for someone of the same sex," that he "will never have access to or be the recipient of." He feels that while I "have the capacity to be ALL and fulfill all" for him, that he "simply can not do the same for me in return."

Despite his worries, in my heart I truly feel that for the long-term, I could never be fulfilled with just a girl. I feel like I would long for that power-exchange, that feeling of belonging to my Love, that polarized masculine/feminine balance (the feeling I get as a submissive when I kneel down to kiss his feet)...however, my Love does not seem to understand that. He worries that somewhere in the corners of my head, I will always be longing for a girl.

What confuses my Love is that I get depthless, silly little schoolgirl-type crushes on girls all the time, and this worries him. I feel that though girls are lovely and sweet, they just wouldn't make me feel the ways a boy does, and that I need what a boy offers more. Needless to say we are being monogamous until this is cleared.

So, what can we do to make him see and trust that he fulfills me in every way, that a girl just wouldn't cut it? We have discussed it endlessly, but his worries won't budge...we are out of ideas.

Thank You So Much!

--Zoe



Dear Zoe,

We hate to belittle your problem, but if your boyfriend can't see that he has the sweetest deal in relationship history, then we're not sure we can help him. Let's see: he's in a committed, loving relationship with someone who thinks he's the most gorgeous Herculean piece of ass to have ever walked this earth. Plus, he gets to share you with other hot women whenever the mood strikes you both. Also, you like to kiss his feet. You're obviously too nice to say it, so we will: What the fuck's his problem?

Tell your boyfriend that he can ask any full-time lesbian and she will confirm that women like you--i.e. women who enjoy hooking up with and even casually dating women but could never take one for better or worse--are practically an epidemic. You may be the bane of the lesbian community, but this should be a balm to your BF.

Here's the deal: the current world population is approximately 6.6 billion. Does he really think that it makes a difference to your relationship whether you have the potential to be physically attracted to all 6.6 billion of them, or only 3.3 billion? Relationships are about a lot of things--faith, hope, love, chemistry, compromise, vibrating cock rings, shared household chores, hot monkey sex--but they're not about statistics or beating the odds.

Tell him all this, and then tell him that at some point, he just has to grow up and trust you. You've accepted that he's not going to be lured away by any of the 3.3 billion people in the world that he has the potential to be attracted to. So what's another 3.3 billion on his part? If he can't see that, then frankly, we don't think he deserves the sweetest deal in relationship history.

Tough love,

Em & Lo


11 Comments

Envious said:

Spot-on advice. This girl sounds so perfect I'm thinking she's made up. Dude really has to get over it or move on and let someone else enjoy that cookie jar.

Mary said:

I'd just like to say that I understand the girl perfectly. What she has written about her man I would have written about mine with the exception that he trusts me to have my fun with women and come home to him. We also have fun together with my girlfriends.
We are together 20 years. We have three children and a sex life to die for. As you said about her partner, what the fuck's his problem? My husband commented that for their bravado, men can be comically emotionally insecure. This can particularly apply to sexual matters. He wants to be the only one who can satisfy her. Well, let someone else do some of the work. That's my husband's attitude. He doesn't have to work so hard to satisfy his horny wife, let the girls do it. And he gets to have a bit of extra pussy too. Win-win I think.


ned said:

this guy has what we all dream about, so i will say as well "what the fuck is wrong with you" i will do any thing to have a woman who is bisexual and constantly invite other females to our bed, as a matter of fact, i will give what ever i can to make her as happy as she can, hey buddy dont lose what you have

Pete said:

The issue in my mine, as open as it is, that he gets to have what most men want, 2 females. He is in a win all situation, the chance that he could leave her the other gil seems to be missed. For the trust to develope the couple should be just that. No one else in the bed. He may be the one with the issues . Time will tell. By the way, I have been married to the same person for twenty five years sex is not what makes a marriage.I haven't been layed in ten years.

Laird said:

This will sound crazy, but I know what this guy is going through and it's much more complicated than what this girl (or people reading the article) think. As a normal guy, it sounds like a dream come true. As someone who has been in this same situation, it's a nightmare. I'm not saying it CAN'T work, but I'm guessing they introduced this whole concept into their relationship way too early.

Em & Lo said:

Okay Laird, we'll bite: How is the situation a nightmare? Do tell. Just think, by sharing the downsides of this kind of set-up, you'll be doing a favor to all the women out there whose boyfriends are now comparing them unfavorably to Zoe...

Zac said:

Ok, first of all I have been in a very similar situation and can explain on what levels it can be a nightmare.

1. Most take the opinion of the common, stereotypical man. Sure it is a dream come true in many regards, however to glorify it to the point where the general attitude considers it the "highest point" of male existence is pathetic.

2. I have no concern of other guys taking my gf from me, as an alpha-male its not even an issue. I don't see other men as competition or a threat. However my love of women allows me to view them as a whole different league of competition, complete with an inherent set of advantages that I do not posess, with things that I can not provide.

3. Her affinity and admiration of the female gender (as friends and how they compare themselves to each other etc) can easily and frequently be misconstrude as romantic attention. Open style relationships are fine, but when you are constantly hearing about other women in day to day life (being pretty, being cute etc) it is easy to feel that her sexual preference may not be as secure as you thought. Especially since there is a lack of comments/attention paid to the male gender (for whatever reason).

4. The fact that (especially after a few drinks) the concept of hooking up with another girl is considered more harmless than if she were to kiss another guy. Which leads one to feel more like she is less trustworthy when it comes to women.


There are plenty more reasons why such a seemingly ideal situation can in fact be somewhat of a nightmare.

It is so common for men and women to consider this an ideal situation for any guy, that he should be "oh so lucky" and that "he is doing men everywhere a dis-service" and to women everywhere he is "being uptight, controlling and a prude".

But to assume this is stereotypical and fails to acknowledge "the thinking men", that are not genetically obliged to sell their souls or right arms, simply to be "allowed" to participate in a threesome.

Forget that! If I want a threesome I will be equal in it, not sit on the sidelines like some pathetic kid on a soccor team begging for his chance to kick a goal.

Em & Lo said:

Wow Zac, thanks for this incredibly thoughtful and helpful response. We were especially struck by point #4, because we think that most people would assume that another woman was less of an issue (we're guessing that's why your gf feels more comfortable raving about other women than about other men). But it's an excellent point that this assumption makes you think she's less trustworthy around women. That all said, we still think there's a big difference between a woman who likes hooking up with women and a woman who wants to settle down and adopt puppies with one, but we stand somewhat chastised. Here's our hat; here's us taking a small nibble out of it.

Karl said:

As it happens, I have just entered into a committed relationship with a bi. Although she is absolutely wonderful and fiercely loyal. This issue is an extremely difficult one for me to find a way to adjust.

Zac did an excellent job of bringing the issue back into the tone of diversity - in his case, and mine, tolerence for "thinking men" as he calls us.

I think we can overlook that at the heart, sexuality is uniquely, deeply personal. What the act of sex means to the soul varies from person to person. We can not dismiss people just because their needs for sexuality differs from ours.

I have found that sex - for me -is deeply intimate act of bonding. I give everything to my girlfriend and feel that those moments are one of the building blocks for our relationship.

I continue to struggle with the sharing of my mates' most intimate behavior. I struggle with it mightily because - if asked - she will bed noone but me. Giving up something so incredibly beautiful..only because I have a need to 'possess' her.

To ask her to forgo her attraction to beautiful women would be incredibly selfish on my part. However, I continue to have a problem with her open lust and desire for another person.

Em & Lo, you've made this sound as if its slam-dunk issue of tolerance for bi behavior. I am not sure why...but I am not finding it anywhere near this easy to classify.

Any helpful suggestions or insights would be very appreciated.

stacey renee said:

i agree with zac. that was a really intelligent thing to say and it was so true. i agree to da fullest. but i personally believe that if ya are so much in love, then he should trust u. i dont c how a relationship can survive without trust. if he doesn't believe u then its nothing u can do about it because his mind is made up. i know u love him but without trust, its not gonna work. wat he believes will get stronger, especially if ya continue to have girls around.,,,,

winslet said:

i think this is the most beautiful comment/praise i have ever had from a chick to a guy. its obviours that this chick realy love this guy but the guy is to damm blinded by jelousy that he cant see that.am sure if it was the other way round the guy would expect the lady to understand.so let him know that he should grow up

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Em & Lo, more formally known as Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey, are the self-proclaimed Emily Posts of the modern bedroom.

Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New York City.

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