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Nothing like a little headline-induced clarity in the first week of the new year...

• According to the Internets, Condi never punched her V-card. By choice, man.

• Disney princesses are all doped up on the date-rape drug. "Sleeping" Beauty, huh? Yeah, tell that the to judge.

• British teeth explained, finally: they're all using their electric toothbrushes as vibrator attachments instead.

• 2007 was the year of the airhead. But 2008? It's totally going to be the year of smart cool women who wear underwear and actually get shit done. Okay, so maybe it's going to be the year of teen moms--but two sex advice ladies can dream, can't they?

• Kitchens are the new sex. But sex in the kitchen? So '80s.

• The new definition of loneliness: a coffee maker that brews a single cup.

• Chinese "dietary" supplements actually contain Viagra.

• You have to travel all the way to Malaysia to find someone who's actually embarrassed about their sex tape. (Though we think it's safe to say that now Malaysia's politicians are doing it, sex tapes have officially jumped the shark.)

• Paris rings in the new year with KFed and Larry Birkhead; Britney does it with a pap. And the circle (jerk) is complete.