aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
We know you're feeling obligated to be a more committed person, and that's admirable. But it's just not working on you right now. Stop making promises you can't keep (like, "I'll call you Saturday") and work on ones you can (like, "See ya later!").

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You've overdosed on "Where is this relationship going?" talk. Have a break, have a Kit-Kat, have a quickie. Do not discuss how the quickie made you "feel."

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
A really easy short-cut to happiness, satisfaction, and contentedness is to tailor your goals to make them attainable. Or at least, pick a few new, short-term, easily accomplishable goals to add to your list. Like maybe "Have a fling" should be added to your list, right above "Find a soulmate and settle down for a lifelong relationship that includes communication, great sex, three kids, and a loyal and well-behaved Golden Retriever."

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
The world is your field this week. Play it. Play hard. Play fair. Play to win. Rehydrate often.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
This is your horoscope for the week, word for word from the stargazing experts: "Focus your attention on the person who is most likely to fulfill your dreams and proceed to do the clingy crab dance into his or her heart." We shit you not.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You will get involved in an exciting, clandestine affair this week with more romance than a cheap, dime-store, Fabio-covered novel. Unfortunately, it will end up breaking your heart and destroying your life. But you can worry about that later.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You'll be the center of attention all week long: limelight, spotlight, flattering candle light, your name in lights! Milk it for all it's worth, because everyone's light fades eventually, until eternal darkness enshrouds us, cloaking all our being in obscurity and nothingness. So have fun!

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Don't date anyone from work. However, picking people up at the grocery store is completely acceptable.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Either shit (i.e. commit) or get off the pot (i.e. get out of town, preoccupy your time with sports, go out with your friends, join the circus, get a haircut, do something).

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You've been dating suits for way too long; it's time to get out there and meet a creative type. Do whatever it takes to throw yourself in their path--join trivia night, take life drawing classes, model nude for life drawing classes, etc. (If you're quite happy with your suited significant other, then maybe the two of you just need a little more creative energy in your relationship. Maybe you could take a life drawing class together.)

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
There's a reason they call it sexual tension. Your current relationship (or "situation," if you prefer) is like a tautly stretched rubber band: one flick in the wrong place and you're gonna get a latex smack in the face. But maybe you like it like that.