aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Someone will become infatuated with you this week. Of course, the dictionary defines infatuation as "a foolish, unreasoning, extravagant, and short-lived passion." Which means that the second you show signs of reciprocating this infatuation, it will suddenly feel "foolish" to your paramour--hence the whole "short-lived" thing. So don't fall for the wooing and the roses; this isn't the real thing. (Hey, don't get mad at us: It ain't easy being the harbingers of doom.)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
This week, say it with flowers, say it with concert tickets, say it with oral sex, say it with breakfast in bed, say it with a brand-new sex toy, say it with CD mixes you burned yourself, say it with more oral sex--say it with anything but words.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Even the illusion of erudition should be enough to get you laid this  week. For example, at the next cocktail party you attend, take a sip of red  wine, steal from James Thurber and say, "It's a naive domestic Burgundy without any breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption." They'll either laugh at your clever little joke or else be bowled over by your impressive knowledge of wines.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You know that person you've been thinking about every time you rub one out lately? It's time to let them know where they lie in your affections. You might want to go with a euphemism, though: Try "I can't stop thinking about you," or "Every time I think about you, I get a really big smile on my face."

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If you're looking for a challenge, you've found it! If you're looking for an "unconventional" relationship, you've found it! If sweet, loving, tender, committed, long-term relationships seem "boring" to you, then you won't find this one dull! If you're looking to have your heart pummeled in a blender, it's your lucky week!

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You are the greatest lover on the planet. Some suckers will actually believe this.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Sometimes love's a battlefield, other times it's more like friendly competition. You know, the game-playing, the mind-fucking, the playing hard-to-get, all that good stuff. This week, you'll find yourself in the thick of friendly competition. Maybe your job isn't challenging enough, maybe all your favorite shows are on hiatus because of the strike, maybe you just like the chase--whatever it is, you're addicted (it's kind of like booty eBay, isn't it?). We hope your friends (or your therapist) can handle the fall-out.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
We know that sometimes it feels like your sex drive is, well, driving, and you're just riding shotgun. But that's no excuse for not offering up helpful navigation suggestions every now and then. For example, "No, not that one,  s/he's a Republican!" Or, "Noooooo! Not the ex!" Or, "Let's go home and masturbate!"

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Don't make any promises you don't think you can keep. Because we know you and we know you won't keep them. And then we'll have to distance ourselves from you, because we can't be seen with promise-breakers--it's bad for our reputation.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
The stars say it's best for you to play the field a little longer and avoid commitment. But they always say that about you. "Oh, Capricorn, you're a free spirit, a wild animal who can't be tamed, an exotic bird that needs to fly!" But we're starting to wonder if that's just a nice way of saying that you don't know what the hell you want. Here's a not-so-nice suggestion: Either poop or get off the pot.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You need to keep your wits about you this week. Don't operate any heavy machinery or ask anyone out to dinner while under the influence of your libido. Do whatever it takes to keep those hormones in check; read The Nation, watch C-SPAN, call your grandmother, clip your toenails in bed. On second thought, don't ever clip your toenails in bed--that's just nasty, man.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Casual sex isn't always the answer. Wait, what was the question again? Oh right, your nagging question this week is: "Is s/he the one that I want?" But actually, for once, we think safe casual sex is the solution. And yes, Regis, that is our final answer.