aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Here's a point: . Now get to it. We think you know what we mean.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Even though it's a universal law that the more you treat someone like crap, the more they'll obsess over you, you'll have the power to break the laws of nature this week: be kind, loving and compassionate and you'll actually get  what you want, if you can believe it.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If ever there were a time to admit to your ultimate fantasy (you know, the one about being a monk in a medieval monastery who gets ravaged by the  brethren) as a way to solidify your relationship, then this week is it!

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Charm will not be your strong suit this week. Here are some things to avoid in particular: forcing the issue, throwing temper tantrums, stamping your foot, getting all huffy and puffy, saying things like "It's either my way or the highway," etc. We can assure you, your lover will not play Daddy to your Veruca Salt, now...or ever.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Friends don't let friends date drunk. And we're not talking about beer goggles; it's just that you're not thinking too clearly this week. Your decision-making will be sloppier than a five-martini lunch, and you certainly shouldn't take your credit card anywhere near a loved one--you're bound to overspend. If you want a tall cold one (or three), better to stay in--your friends, loved ones, and financial advisors will all be the better for it.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
In the market for someone or something new? Then why not try Confidence, now with a new lemon twist! It'll have you walking tall and attracting mates within minutes. Use it every day for a shine no one can resist.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Practice quid pro quo in the bedroom this week: if you want snuggles, then snuggle first; if you want oral sex, be the first to head south; if you want to splosh, pay for the groceries. Sexual karma is a boomerang.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
It's a common human trait to expect life to be good and to be easy. It's a common human reality that life is often not these things: the sex is bad, or non-existent, and it rarely shows up on your doorstep with no strings attached. But you can help yourself by being proactive, getting off your ass, and searching for what it is you want instead of waiting for it to come to you. It's like those people who always say they're bored--the only one responsible for their boredom is themselves. If only they'd take out a personal ad or go get some butt plugs.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You'll surprise a new partner with your witty words and humorous outlook. We're not suggesting you break out the fake dog doo-doo, rubber snakes or sneezing powder in bed; just be sure not to take yourself too seriously, 'cause you'll need a sense of humor when you make a Whoopie Cushion sound without a Whoopie Cushion the next time you have sex.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Frequenting old haunts is the best thing you can do for love this week. Who knows what that means, but at least you have plans for the weekend now.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
So here's the deal: very soon, someone's going to make you an offer you'll find hard to refuse. One of those "Wanna get busy in the Burger King bathroom?" offers. Except more romantic. But the thing is, you can refuse it, because, according to the stars, "Don't think for one minute that you won't get another chance to find someone who will treat you better." (Dude, the stars are harsh!) Which doesn't mean that you can't accept this offer and the next one to come along...think of it as stockpiling for the dry season.