01.08.2008  BY EM & LO
It was exactly two decades ago that Em first remembers being told, "What, a pretty girl like you doesn't have a boyfriend?" It was her hairdresser who said this, and it was cruel for at least two reasons: 1) Em was seriously acne-ridden at the time (and would be for another six years) and was in the process of getting a permed mullet (she made up the style herself: you perm the short bits of the mullet and leave the long bits straight) and therefore was a very long way from pretty. 2) No 14-year-old needs to be told that pretty gets you a boyfriend and ugly keeps you single. Because, duh, the corollary is that single means you're ugly. Also, 14 years old seems like a very good age to be single. But it turns out that it's not just because you're ugly: according to this article in the London Times, there are 50 more reasons why you might be single.

We're guilty of at least seven of them between us, so we obviously take issue with the list--though there are moments of genius in it (too bad most of them seem to have been "borrowed" from a similar list on Radar's website, as Jezebel notes--oops). Yes, trying to figure out which Sex & the City character you are should be a punishable crime, as should a lingering attachment to teddy bears, scrunchies, or calendars of babies in plant pots.

But since being single is not a punishment, we're going to resist the temptation to add to this list. (Though we're sorely tempted...come on, pleated khakis on guys? Men who announce "I love cunnlingus"? Women who think their boyfriends should give up masturbation for a relationship? Okay, we'll stop now. Promise.) Here instead are the top 10 things we wish our 14-year-old selves could have said to any interfering hairdressers or nosy family members who asked us why we were single.

1. I'm not single, I'm just between boyfriends.
2. Just lucky, I guess.
3. I've got crabs. Wanna see?
4. Britney Spears.
5. Jamie Lynn Spears.
6. I'm saving myself for Jesus. (Okay, so Em did actually say this once or twice. But she meant it, so it doesn't count.)
7. My therapist says it's because I'm surrounded by dysfunctional relationships.
8. Too ugly, I guess.
9. Because I'm still in a training bra, you pervert.
10. By choice man. By choice.


Ariel said:

That sounds like a hot haircut, Em.

Free the Singles said:

Yes! I love it. Being single is NOT a punishment. Too many women out there decide to validate their own worth based the current attention they're getting from men. Love yourself first ladies. If you don't work well single, don't start to mingle.


two words:girls school

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Em & Lo, more formally known as Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey, are the self-proclaimed Emily Posts of the modern bedroom.

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