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In honor of the Tom Cruise indoctrination video that's been making the rounds this week (making Cruise's couch-jumping episode look positively understated; also, nice black turtleneck, dude) and the new unauthorized Cruise bio by secret-Diana-BFF Andrew Morton, we present to you the Scientology edition of "Who Would You Do?"

Tom Cruise. Pros: If you're going to dive in, you may as well go for the uber-thetan. And you'll never quite forget him in those tighty whities in Risky Business. Cons: "Jumping the couch" is the new "jumping the shark." Also, he thinks psychiatry is "Nazi science," which probably means he also thinks it's "your fault" if you can't come during sex.

Beck. Pros: He's Beck. He was raised a Scientologist so it's not his fault so much. And maybe there's still hope for him? And he'd never make you have sex to his music. Cons: He's Beck--he might actually be able to convert you. Maybe he uses sex as a tool of evangelism.

Kirstie Alley. Pros: Um, there was that show Cheers. Operating Thetan Level 6. Cons: Look Who's Talking Too. Also, she's a role model for manic yo-yo dieters everywhere. And everyone knows that yo-yo dieting is the anti-orgasm plan.

Katie Holmes. Pros: We could forgive Joey Potter almost anything. Also, the marathon thing kind of impresses us. Cons: She dresses like a 50-something Upper East Sider. And the whole Stepford Wife act doesn't exactly scream "sex" to us.

Juliette Lewis. Pros: She's so punk, we've always kind of wanted to be her friend. And after Brad Pitt, she dated Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love's manny. Cons: She seems like the type to slash your tires and burn your toothbrush if you crossed her.

John Travolta. Pros: Those hips. Grease. Hairspray. And he seems like the kind of husband who always puts down the toilet seat and changes the roll of TP. Cons: We don't wanna get sued or anything, but it just seems like maybe he has some sexual  "issues" he needs to work through before he could be a good lay. Also, Battlefield Earth.