Dear D.D.,

We're so sorry to hear that. The fuckface must have been an idiot to think he could live without you--he'll probably get hit by a bus soon. 

But let's forget all about him and focus on you. There are three paths you can take on the road to healing. First, there's celibacy. Swearing off all things sex can free you from all those anxieties associated with getting or having sex so you can better focus on yourself (your career, your hobbies, your friends, your personal growth). You COULD spend all that free time looking for Mr. or Ms. Right--or you could just concentrate on yourself; after all, it's a law of nature that the minute you stop looking for a partner is the minute they show up. Plus, having sex (or not having sex) on your own terms can give you a sense of control (what the kids call "hand")--which is what most people are lacking after a bad breakup. You don't necessarily have to swear off sex until you find your soul mate, but you could at least try staying celibate until you find your sense of self-worth. In fact, waiting until you find the The Worthy One could backfire: sex IS just another "fundamental level" you need to connect on; sometimes it's better to find out if you're sexually compatible before investing too much (time, emotional energy, homemade greeting cards) in a relationship that you hope will be sexually satisfying in the long run.

Second, there's the opposite of celibacy: a bunch of sorbet sex to cleanse the palate. Going on the rebound can prove to yourself that you're so over your ex, remind yourself that you're not all alone in this world, remind yourself that you're not yet past your sell-by date, and distract you from the cavernous well of grief and loneliness festering inside you. However, rebound sex can backfire too: with the wrong person, it can just make you feel like you'll never find anyone as good as your ex again. Plus, you might get an STD--always an issue, but more so if you're fucking more people. For instance, drowning your sorrows in casual sex makes an innocent bystander an unwitting character in your tragedy. Going out trolling for free sex to then be rejected AGAIN will only compound the pain. And if you think you might close your eyes during rebound sex and think of your ex, then this is not the tactict for you. 

Third, there's masturbation, the best option of all. (In fact, you can and should marry masturbation with either of the above post-breakup approaches). Loving yourself when it feels like nobody else will is an important recovery tool, and way more healthy than simply numbing the pain with booze or anonymous sex partners (though we suppose if you indulge excessively, you might end up numbing body parts). With self love, you can be selfish, you don't have to remember whose name to say, you don't have to worry about birth control or S.T.D.s, you're cheap and easy (unlike most potential sex partners), and you're a sure thing. Besides, letting your fingers do the walking can help relieve stress and tension. And the body's natural opiates that are released during orgasm can be a natural antidepressant. Sure, the oxytocin that is also released might make you long for a post-O cuddle, but that's fleeting. The positive effects of regular masturbation are long-term. 

At first, getting yourself off solo may seem like a lonely endeavor. But think of it as simply training yourself for bigger things to, um, come: it's like foreplay for your next relationship. For women, being your own sexual agent will give you confidence the next time you're entertaining guests in your bedroom ("I turn myself on all the time, I know I can turn my partner on"). Knowing what you like and how to get it will make for better partner sex when you have it. And for everyone, a period of onanism will provide independence ("I'm with this person by choice, not sexual necessity"), and make you more protective of your parts ("I love my genitals too much to put them at risk by not practicing safer sex"). So go ahead and rub one out--eventually, it'll help put the sex you had with Fuckface to shame. (And for the record, you should continue masturbating once you're in a relationship--it can only help your sex life together. And should you get dumped again, masturbating won't seem like some weird thing you have to "start" again.)

But how, you ask, do you make it feel less lonely in practice? Unfortunately, circle jerks went out with shoulder pads (though if leg warmers can make a comeback ...). Instead, think of your self-love sessions as an evening (or just a few minutes) of well-deserved self-indulgence--kind of like getting a massage (with or without a happy finish), ordering a pizza with the works just for yourself, and watching HBO. In fact, those activities are not only good post-breakup pampering, but pretty decent D.I.Y. foreplay for masturbation. And give your imagination a boost with an erotic (read: porno) book, movie, Web site, or soundtrack, so you're not tempted to think about dying alone in the middle of diddling. 

Flipping through our book Buh Bye: The Ultimate Guide to Dumping and Getting Dumped (where some of the above advice can be found, along with hopefully hilarious jokes about Fuckface) might also make you feel better. Or maybe it would just make us feel better. Either way, good luck getting over that loser who didn't deserve you anyway. 

Happy healing,

Em & Lo