aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You could play hard to get, but if that's your game, chances are you'll be playing it alone this week. And hey, a little self-love never made anyone's palms hairy. But at this time of year, no one wants to be alone with just their hands. So actions that might, in other seasons, be considered aggressive, pushy or--dare we say it?--desperate, will be welcome right now. Because really, how much fun is it to have a one-man snowball fight? With one hand down your pants? In the freezing cold?

It's time to update your love resume. As the career experts say, don't write a resume for the job you think you can get, write a resume for the job you know you want. Even if you're not sure whether that job exists. Even if you think there's no way in hell someone would pay you to do that! Dream big: you CAN be a rock star--or date one. Try raising your expectations sky-high this week: you never know who will rise to meet them.

There are a lot of people out there who will interpret politeness as flat-out flirting. They're usually the egomaniacs who can't get a date on any given Friday night, but even the occasional humble Ph.D. will mistake that friendly thank you with the generic smile as a sure sign that you want to throw down right there. Maintain the manners, but be sure to keep your hands to yourself and your tongue in your mouth this week, lest you lead someone on that you'd rather leave behind. 

Is that a new fragrance you're wearing? Have you lost weight? Did you finally cut off that mullet? Well, whatever it is, it's looking good. REAL good. And we're not the only ones who've noticed. Figure out who's been admiring your new style and see if you can't give them a make-over of their own.

Hey Capricorn, do we have some dirt on you! Oo-ee, we blush just thinking about it. (And someday you'll have to tell us just how you convinced the Burger King manager to agree to THAT.) But seriously, you should be careful who you tell your secrets to. You don't realize how few degrees of separation there are. Before you can say "Footloose," even Kevin Bacon will know your secrets, and THEN you'll be screwed.

Slow down, you move too fast; you've got to make the moment last. That's a song, isn't it? Well, it's also sage advice, at least where you're romantically concerned this week. So take it.

Hey smarty-pants, pipe down for a few minutes! The time for talk is over. Walk into the room with purpose. Make a bee-line for you-know-who, as if they're the only person in the world. Take their head in your hands. Gently, gently. Then go in for the kiss. Long. Passionate. Moist yet tidy. It hasn't failed us yet.

Why do we play the game? No, not to win. (What kind of hardcore, ex-Marine, junior high school gym teacher did you have?) We play the game to have fun. Sometimes, in this fast-paced world of financial pressures, consumerist selfishness and increased rates of clinical depression, it's easy to forget that. But life is short and you should play hard (emphasis on the PLAY). Don't take things too seriously this week; just try to have a good time.

Admit it, already: you screwed up. You've had more feet in your mouth this week than a foot fetishist. It's too late to try and talk your way out of this one. It's time to pull out all the stops and start doing nice things instead. You remember how to do that, right? Pick up the tab, pick up the laundry, wear their favorite underwear, wear no underwear, let them play that really annoying album, buy a star and name it after them. It's the big fiery balls of gas that show how much you care.

Ask and you shall receive.

Don't even think about staying home, curling up with a good book and going to sleep early. You'll have enough time for rest when you're dead. In the meantime, take a healthy bite out of the big juicy peach of life, turn it up to 11, party like it's 1999, carpe diem, kick it into high gear--take whichever cliche you relate to most and run with it.

Remember how back in elementary school you used physical comedy, games of tag, and sharing your lunchtime snacks as your means of seduction? Well, this week, toss aside all your sophisticated seduction techniques and embrace your inner playground prankster. Your pick-up lines may all brick, but your jokes will have 'em rolling in the aisles. (And maybe later, rolling in the hay.)