taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You're so money and you don't even know it. Wait a second: you do know it. And that makes you even more money! Don't spend it all in one place, unless of course you're looking for a meaningful long-term relationship with emotional intimacy. If that's the case, then let it ride, Daddy Warbucks.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
My, ain't you just a sweet talker? It seems like every time you open your mouth, someone new falls for you. Except when you're eating lunch and a mouthful of food falls out. You really should learn better table manners. If you're looking to attract romantic attention, pick up a phone and start talking. We're betting you could even sweet-talk 411 operators this week! If you're not looking, make sure you talk only when your mouth is full. That'll keep 'em away.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
This goes out to all the love triangle participants in the audience tonight: stop, drop and roll. Translation? Get out of the triangle. You were never any good at geometry.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Second month into the year and already things are going your way! We wish we were Leos. How'd you get to be that way, anyway? Independent, confident, full of resolution--you're lucky you're such a nice person, or we might find you really annoying. But don't get blasé about making first impressions: no matter how much of a winner you are, you still only get one chance to make them. And this week you'll be making an important one. Sure, people will tell you that you can fix a poor first impression, but they say that about those seemed-like-a-good-idea-at-the-time tattoos, too.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
When's the last time you saw someone return a Big Mac because it wasn't to their liking? The Golden Arches aren't exactly haute cuisine, but they always deliver what you expect: fast, greasy, hormone-injected food. And whether you're in Bangkok or Bristol, a Filet-o-Fish will always taste the same. This week, might we suggest you lower your expectations to match the restaurant you're eating in? It's not that this person doesn't have Wolfgang Puck potential, they're just not there yet. And the more you weigh them down with five-star requests, the worse they're gonna, um, taste.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Hey smarty-pants, pipe down for a few minutes! Just because you have a comment or opinion or "interesting story of your own" to add to everything you hear, doesn't mean you should share it. Friends and colleagues are beginning to feel worn down by you. If you really need the outlet, try writing letters to the editor of your local paper instead.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You can't speak body language fluently, so don't even try this week--you'll just end up sending mixed messages. (You'll also look like a fish out of water, literally.) The best muscle to move is your tongue. Don't go sticking it in places where it's not invited; simply use it to express your intellectual side. The invitations should come pouring in.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Commitment and Freedom--are the two mutually exclusive? Conventional wisdom would have us believe so. But you're poised to actively redefine "popular" notions of committed relationships, to eroticize the long-term. Just decide what exactly it is that you want and make it happen, rather than reclining in the La-Z-Boy of Tradition and Expectation.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You've got your own personal genie this week who can grant you one romantic wish. But beware the dangers of wish fulfillment. Think carefully and choose wisely. you may end up with that ten-inch penis you asked for, but you'll get it via some rare and painful STD; or you may finally get married, as you've always dreamed--but to a cute, yet dense, 16-year-old surfer boy after a blurry weekend of excess in Vegas.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Just because someone makes your heart race doesn't mean they can handle it like a professional race car driver. Fasten your seat belt and be sure to get a copy of their license.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You'll be in the mood to let your inhibitions go this week. Instead of downing a fifth of gin to accomplish this goal, just focus on your heart's desires, swallow your pride, be completely honest, and true intimacy will be yours. Then you can get loaded to help yourself forget what a cheeseball you've become.