Daily Bedpost - All About Sex with Em & Lo

STUFF 02.06.2008 BY EM & LO

Only two-days after taking Sarah Silverman to task for crossing the line of good taste with her excessive doodie jokes, we ourselves are going right up to its edge. Oh, who are we kidding, we're going to cross it too, just as we have plenty of times before. But to borrow a bit from Shakespeare, we wear our poo with a difference: Our own personal obsession with bodily functions is all in the name of improving body image and sexuality. For there is no getting around the fact that one of the most innervated areas of the human body that's quite sensitive to sexual stimulation is also the origin of great shame (and yes, stinky stuff).

Which is why we were so delighted about Nancy Redd's "Perfect Stealth Stool Product" post! You'll remember Redd from our interview with her last week about her new book, Body Drama. Well, she's holding a giveaway between now and February 28th in honor of her book: leave a comment on her post about poo and get the chance to win a bottle of "The Drops," a new product she swears will make your bathroom insecurities just melt away.

Redd's Straight Talk Express along the Hershey highway reminded us of the best poo-related post ever (hilarious, and not too gross, we promise). And her Emergency Poo Plan reminded us of our own methods for making the best out of a shitty situation while on a romantic date (and when you don't have a bottle of The Drops handy), from our book, Sex Etiquette for Ladies and Gentlemen. School yourself after the jump.

Technique: Carry matches on you at all times.

Pros: It is not indelicate for one to have matches on one's person (especially if one is a smoker), and it is certainly more convenient and discreet than carrying about an aerosol can. Lighting a match and distinguishing it immediately undercuts any other noxious (and obnoxious) smells.

Cons: Instead of your poo, your date may smell the match, which is just as much a dead giveaway (albeit it a more pleasant one).

Technique: Turn on the faucet while you go.

Pros: This should create enough ambient noise to muffle the pig-like squeals emanating from your behind. Cons: If you are not quick about your business, you may give the impression that you are an obsessive-compulsive hand washer. You may even inadvertently offend your date, if he or she be sensitive to environmental issues and water conservation.

Technique: Cough.

Pros: If your timing is impeccable, you can mask any sounds due to gas or the dreaded "kerplunk."

Cons: Your date may fear that you are a secret smoker, or that you have consumption.

Technique: Muffle your toots with toilet paper.

Pros: If audible gas is your main concern, you can gently press a wad of toilet paper against your anus to muffle the sound.

Cons: While this works miraculously well, it must be assumed that blocking the natural passage of gas cannot be great for one's constitution.

Technique: Flush twice.

Pros: Immediately flushing the toilet as soon as the offending log has been deposited may help whisk away some of the residual odor.

Cons: This means you will have to flush again once you have completed wiping, which may suggest to your date that your creation was so massive that it required two flushes to get it down--not a preferable image to evoke before sex.

Technique: Put liquid soap in the bowl.

Pros: If they have liquid hand soap by the sink, a squirt or two before you flush may help freshen the bowl.

Cons: Too much may result in an overabundance of suds--a puzzling development for your date to discover when they next use the washroom. You could flush again and again, but then your run the risk of the previous "con."

Technique: Pad the bowl with paper.

Pros: If your deposit has a particularly large distance to travel before breaking the surface of the water and therefore will probably create a loud noise and an unhygienic splash, you may create a landing pad of toilet paper to break the fall.

Cons: This is highly ill-advised, as excessive toilet paper may result in an overflow. Considering the race for a plunger, the intense clean-up, and the chance of your date making visual contact with the recent contents of your rectum, this outcome is one thousand times worse than your date simply guessing that you too, like every human being, go poo.

--from Sex Etiquette for Ladies and Gentlemen

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