Lingerie--the weird kind with the cut-outs and the ruffles and the straps and ties and sheer patches and latches and the laces and all the fluffy insanity--is designed to make you look like an uncomfortable asshole, I've decided. Almost no one looks sexy in this kind of lingerie, in real life, no matter how sexy they really are. 

Lingerie in general is supposed to make you feel sexy because you're dressing up, you're highlighting the gorgeousest parts of your body, you're looking undressed and ready for anything, right? This specific kind of lingerie is designed to show everything off, which is what is supposed to make us feel sexy. Except what's sexy about feeling like the parts we dislike about ourselves are so exposed? What's sexy about being fidgety, wanting to cover everything up, tugging at the strings up our butts and the straps under our boobs, worrying that we look less seductive and more slightly retarded? We are dressing ourselves up as a gift to our lovers, and we are afraid they will not like it and want to return it for store credit.

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