I like pirates. I like that they are dirty, and fierce and vicious, strong and brave and free and they have got cool hats and also drink rum. The first tattoo I ever got was a pirate flag on the back of my neck; eventually, when I have got the money (and buff arms, if I am going to be honest), I am going to have a pirate sleeve, and when I grow up, oh, I should like to ride the seas, a roaring buccaneer, a cutlass banging at my knees, a dirk behind my ear.

I also like porn. Watching people have sex turns me on, and learning to not care that these women are impossible-looking and that I will never look like them and that is okay was one of the greatest triumphs of my adult life. It is not necessarily their bodies that makes sex in these movies sexy, it is the act of it, the moving and the sounds and the fact of sex. I like the fact of sex.

So, I look at porn on the Internet, I rent it occasionally, I own a few (one is about a lesbian vampire! It's so nice), I've gotten some for Christmas. I like my porn dirty, though with as little spitting as possible (why, oh why with the spitting?). I generally prefer as few fake breasts and as minimal a story as possible. I want nasty naked doing it, please, and keep your mouth shut and your blank, empty soulless eyes averted from the camera when you're sticking it in, thanks! Because you're distracting me, here.

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