Daily Bedpost - All About Sex with Em & Lo

HOROSCOPES 03.10.2008 BY EM & LO

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)

You are the driver. You are the lead in the show. You are the forward. You are the offense. You are the director. You are the captain. You are the reigning champion. You are the dominatrix. You are the head of the department. You are the principal. You are the CEO. You are the boss. You are the bomb. You are the ball. So be it this week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)

Don't be a multi-tasker when it comes to your lust life, otherwise your genitals will get confused. They need to stay focused and keep their head in the Game ("Game" being the name of the person you're supposed to be dating).

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)

Don't be argumentative. Avoid sudden movements, outspoken opinions and keg-stands. Wait for the "Walk" sign. Turn your cellphone to "vibrate." Wear soft-soled shoes. Avoid "making an impression." This is not your week to put the par-tay back in party. Just stop and smell the flowers--in fact, lie down in a field of poppies and roll a fatty.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)

You're too horny to meet your deadlines, and your boss is starting to get suspicious of all those bathroom breaks. (Do you have to talk dirty to yourself quite so loudly? Did your co-workers really need to know that you actually call yourself "stud muffin"?) Take a sick day (you sicko) and post an online personal ad so you can scratch that itch before you get passed over for yet another promotion.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)

There's a fine line between being passionate and being pathetic. You're standing on it. Tread carefully this week.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)

Freedom is a revolving door that you're not ready to lock just yet. If someone is pushing you to be his or her one and only, give them the "talk to the hand" sign and don't let the door smack your ass on the way out.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)

Oooh, aren't we popular this week, like a homecoming queen with a penchant for partying, her own Porsche, Daddy's credit card and keys to the family country house (the one with the heated outdoor jacuzzi). Enjoy the attention, just don't get drunk and pass out, lest you end up with a trashed house and a need for Planned Parenthood.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)

Decisions, they're so difficult, aren't they? Which one to go to dinner with? Which one to go down on? How many players in the playing field is too many? Oh, it's all so confusing and bothersome. What the hell, why not screw them all for now and let the decision make itself when they discover what a ten-timing bastard you really are.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)

It's like our Personals say: Before you can make out, you've got to meet. No, this isn't just a plug for the Personals. Just get out there and mingle. Of course it wouldn't hurt if you'd take out an ad...

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)

When you least expect it, someone will hit on you and we're not just talking about the lush at the local dive trying to convince you to buy them a twelfth drink. No, this should be someone of consequence. Take advantage of this head start we're giving you and come up with a good plan of action so you don't just stand there with your mouth open, utterly stupefied and stupid-looking.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)

To quote Ferris Bueller's Day Off, arguably the best movie to come out of the '80s: "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." It's like John Hughes was looking into a crystal ball and saw your love life in early March of 2008 when he wrote that line.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)

When we said "get back in the saddle," we didn't mean the one on that mangy old horse that's been grazing in your paddock for years. You deserve a brand-new pony with a shiny new saddle. But until that pony shows up, show a little restraint, cowboy.

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