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 If you've got a decent spam filter, then you may have forgotten all about those penis-enlargement ads that used to fill your in-box. Crazy thing: they're still going strong! Don't believe us? Check your spam folder. The majority are still for "thicker, longer weapons" or "power tools." And like real penises, they come in all shapes and sizes. Here's a recent sampling of the top six types: 1. The Classy Approach SUBJECT: Grow Big and Strong with This OPENER: It is now possible to enjoy amazing lovemaking sessions every night when you click here... In a vast sea of sleaze, the ones with subtlety and sweetness are almost endearing. Almost. 2. The Titillating Fake-Out SUBJECT: Look at those jugs. OPENER: Every night will be an adventure with your brand new pecker... Ha, ha, ha, gotcha sucker! But while you're here... 3. The Current Event Hook SUBJECT: High rollers and their prostitutes. OPENER: Realize your dream of being a full, 9 inches long today... And you too will feel like you can afford a $4,000 hooker. 4. The Appeal to He-Man Woman-Haters SUBJECT: Do not be bossed around anymore OPENER: I hate it when women say my trouser snake is too small... Get back at all those bitches by beating them with a club between your legs. 5. The Gross Exaggeration SUBJECT: The only measure of masculinity is your organ size... OPENER: Not strength? How about integrity? No? 6. The Non Sequitur SUBJECT: Gays gone wild. OPENER: I rammed her hard with my large tool, thanks to this supplemental breakthrough... The spammers either said "fuck copy-editing" or else they're hoping to get repressed homosexuals to open the email and then shame them into proving to themselves and their girlfriends they are totally hetero, man, with a bigger, less gay(?) penis. Do any of these ploys work? They must, otherwise natural selection would have weeded them out of the email race. Do any of the pills work? No, at least not safely or permanently. But maybe a placebo effect is all a guy who feels a little lacking needs. Though we'd just recommend doing some sit-ups, trimming your pubes and avoiding looking down (foreshortening!). Well, that and learning how to work with what you've got. After all, we don't know any women who'd want a 9-inch battering ram headed straight for their cervix. 2 CommentsLeave a comment |
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In one sense, revenge sex—when you sleep with your ex's nemesis, roommate, sibling, parent, or pet in order to pay them back for dumping you--totally works: how could your ex not be grossed out / horrified / disillusioned / damaged for life? But unless your ex is a few peas short of a casserole, your cunning plan is sure to backfire, because they'll know exactly why you slept with their paste-eating dork of a sibling, and the most overwhelming emotion they will feel is deep, abiding pity for you.
--From Buh Bye: The Ultimate Guide to Dumping and Getting Dumped 
 
Em & Lo, more formally known as Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey, are
the self-proclaimed Emily Posts of the modern bedroom.
Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New
York City.
Send your queries to us at
emandlo@dailybedpost.com and drkate@dailybedpost.com. Want your sex dream analyzed by the Daily Bedpost dream expert? Email us at dreams@dailybedpost.com. Anonymity always honored! Check out Daily Bedpost on MySpace.com. |
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hilarious... my favorite recent penis-spam-related subject line was "..but it's pleasant amazement." -- sounded almost like po-mo poetry to mr,
i just received the funniest penis spam ever at work:
"harder and pleasurable"
do not let girls prefer dildo to you!
you must believe in this excellent preparation!
"oh! your penis is impressive!" is do not that what you just love to hear?