Since officially breaking up, I have been back with W on and off, hoping things would work out and change because he's such an amazing person and my best friend, but nothing's different. I want to kiss him and hug him forever, but when it comes down to getting it on, I never want to!

The thing is, I know good sex, I've had it with the other two boys I've dated and once upon a time with W, but not anymore. Why are things this way? I dated the other two boys for about 4 months each, but feel like there was a strong sexual attraction from beginning to end. And I've been intimate with W since I was 17, so does time have something to do with it? If I dated those kids longer would I eventually be in the same boat I am with W? Is that spark between me and W gone for good because we're not meant to be in this kind of relationship?

Should I stay or should I go?
Miss Clash


Dear Ms. C,

Sounds like you're suffering from a case of the awkwards that Rosie Perez and her friend John Leguizamo recently suffered while filming a sex scene together. It's hard to say: either...

A) You aren't sexually compatible because of different sexual styles and approaches, as Sandra Pertot discusses in her book, When Your Sex Drives Don't Match.

B)  You aren't sexually compatible because of something more chemical: perhaps your immune systems are too similar and thus you wouldn't make strong offspring, so not having the hots for him is your body's way of telling you not to reproduce together.

or

C) You've just known him so well for so long that the excitement of new love and lust has worn off--it's inevitable in every long-term relationship, if you don't work to keep things erotically exciting.

If you think it's either A or B, then there's a good chance you just won't ever dig sex with him. If it's C, then you have a better shot at it. Basically, you need to decide 1) how important sex is to you, and 2) if this guy's you're soulmate, and then 3) figure out based on 1 and 2 how much work you want to put into making the sex better.

But if we're being frank, we think that at 22 you're too young to be settling for so-so sex. Keep him as a best friend, lose him as a boyfriend. Maybe not being in a relationship with him will make the (commitment-free, friend-with-benefits) sex better. Not the most mature approach to improving things between the sheets, but again, you've got the great excuse of youth on your side.

Best,
Em & Lo