In honor of the last week of Orgasm Month, we advise one O-less gal on how to make the earth move:

Dear Em and Lo,

I am a sophomore in college, and I've been with the same spectacular guy since I was 14. After years together (no on-and-off nonsense) I still have the major hots for him, and I think he is the most attractive piece of ass on earth.

We didn't have sex until our third year together, and we were both virgins. At that point though, the relationship was long-distance, so we didn't have sex more than 10 times per year, though we started phone sex very early in our relationship. I'm talking like 15 years old. What can I say? We were precocious. And very, very horny...

Now, we're attending college together, and basically we screw all the time now that we have the opportunity (don't freak, I'm on birth control). After getting over the initial pain, I always enjoy myself, but I've never been able to orgasm. Here's the thing, though: I'm not talking about just during penetration. I couldn't ever get off when I was masturbating, either, so I always had to fake it during phone sex. I definitely decided I'm not faking it anymore, but I'm getting really discouraged with being orgasmless for life. It's not for lack of trying on either of our parts; I tried just about everything on my own, and he is an excellent lover who is always concerned about my pleasure. It bums him as much as it bums me that I haven't gotten off during sex yet.

The problem definitely isn't anxiety or arousal (like I said: he=my sex god) so now I'm starting to wonder if it's just me. The clit doesn't do a whole lot for me, because it's actually over-stimulating and just too much sensation to feel at once. I know what I'm probably going to hear: try oral. Tried once, but afterward decided I'm about 90 times too self-conscious to have a face in my vag. Any other suggestions? Or should I just suck it up, get a Brazilian, and spread?

Discouraged and Horny,

Jane


Dear DaHJ,

Don't be discouraged--you're only, what,19 years old? Em was years away from even talking about sex when she was that age. And how many people do you know who still consider their partner a sex god or "the most attractive piece of ass on earth" after five years together? We know some couples who didn't even have that after five dates together. You've got the raw material to make the most awesome sex life ever--your libido's through the roof, your partner is eager to please, you love his 19-year-old ass, and you're both willing to invest some time in this quest. So all you need is a little help putting those parts together. And we promise we won't tell you to try oral. Or at least, that won't be our only advice.

First, you have to promise us that you will never ever fake again. And especially not during phone sex--that's almost as bad as faking during masturbation just to make yourself feel better. It sounds like you eventually fessed up to your boyfriend, which is a good thing. Because when you fake, you give your partner a false idea of what does it for you, which means that then he'll keep doing that thing with his thumb because he thinks you love it, and then you're really screwed. Or, rather, not screwed.

Second, you've got to practice masturbating. No complaints--there are way worse homework assignments you could have. Don't stress about orgasm success, just give yourself the space and time to try out various stimulation techniques. Don't rush it: build up tension. And don't assume you've got to masturbate "the usual way" (i.e. like you see in porn) or try to simulate intercourse: each individual has their own unique way of doing things--that could mean clitoral stimulation for one, G-spot stimulation for another, pelvic floor muscle contractions around an object for a third, and just listening to Prince while sitting on the spin cycle for another.

Whatever you do, whether alone or with your fella, you definitely need to add some lube to your play, especially whenever your clitoral head is involved--we recommend a water-based lube like Babelube. The clitoral head is a sensitive little bunny and it can get easily over-stimulated or numb. And once that happens, any kind of attention is just going to be annoying or even painful.

Third, treat yourself to a vibrator. Sometimes it takes a little battery-operated assistance to push you over the edge the first time. After all, how many penises or fingers do you know that can move that fast for that long? If you've tried a toy already, you might just need to upgrade to a real workhorse like the Hitachi Magic Wand--those things practically bully an orgasm out of you! Just be sure to use it over underwear or even over a blanket or pillow so you don't just numb things even more. Or you may just need to get creative--if you don't dig G-spot stimulation, you could take a G-spotting vibrator (the kind with a come-hither hook), turn it around and stimulate your perineal sponge via the back wall of the vagina. In other words, find your own number one "spot."

Finally, try oral. Again. We know, we know--but a million women out there can't be wrong! We're sure your boyfriend loves having his face in your vag, but perhaps a 69 would make you less self-conscious? After all, how many thoughts can be running through his head when he's getting a BJ? We're sure you've got nothing to be self-conscious about. Especially with such an amazing-sounding boyfriend.

Goooooooooooooood luck!

Em & Lo