taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Be the yes (wo)man this week. As in, "Hey, wanna come along to my book club?" Yes, please! "Fancy meeting my workmates for a drink?" Sure! "Would you take my dog to the vet?" I'd be delighted! Your agreeable nature will be rewarded. Seriously--you'd be surprised what a singles joint the animal hospital can be.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Hey, you. Yeah, you! What's the weather like on your planet? You know, it's okay to have your head in the stars as long as you keep you feet on the ground--Earth's ground. Otherwise, you'll end up with a slimy, intergalactic lover like Sigourney Weaver's in Alien 3. Try to schedule a shuttle landing sometime this week.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
One time we read in the stars that it was a great week for romance. But we were really tired that week, so we sat at home and watched TV every night. While we did develop some warm feelings toward a few items of furniture that we had previously taken for granted, we didn't get laid. Bond with your home decor set-up or have sex--the choice is yours this week.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You're in a high cycle for love this week. There's good energy all around you. Positive vibes. Focused chi. Great feng-shui. We have no idea what any of this means exactly, but it can only be good, right? So go out and make the most of it!

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
This week, you'll find yourself wanting to cling to the walls in social situations--you'll be unable to initiate conversation with strangers, and should anyone find their way over to the dark corner you're ensconced in, you'll stutter and stumble and do anything to avoid eye contact. Don't fight it, little lamb: we all have our quiet weeks. Simply use the time wisely, by observing all that is going on around you. You'll be surprised how much you learn, and next week you'll be in the mood to apply it. And if you observe really closely, you'll have some good gossip to share, too.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
It's time for The Talk. That thing you've been wanting to say for weeks? Perhaps it's "I love you" or maybe it's "I think we should spend some time apart" or even "I wish you wouldn't put so much ketchup on your food." Whatever it is, spit it out! We bear no responsibility for how your Talk will be received, but we do know how relieved you'll be once it's said.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Turkey and rye. Tea and sympathy. Sunshine and a Corona. Heavy metal and leather. All good matches, right? Predictable, obvious, time-tested. But remember how fun it was that time you broke the rules and poured syrup over your breakfast sausage? Make the less obvious choice this week and you could be rewarded with a tasty snack.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Girls just want to have fun. So do boys. But little girls and boys can be cruel, insensitive and narcissistic. You're old enough to know better, so don't go trampling on other people's feelings when you're out getting your jollies this week. Play nice.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You can wrangle your way into anyone's heart faster than a worm into an apple. Except not so gross. We know that most people don't like finding a worm (or worse, half a worm) in their apple, but trust us, you're the loveable kind of larva.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Today's word of the day is "compromise." And what does that mean, class? No, it's not a euphemism for "pathetic loser" or "spineless wuss." It's what happens when two mature adults realize that neither party wants to (or is able to) win or lose, so you both give up a tiny bit of ground and meet in the middle. Sure, you could push a bit harder and probably win, but that victory will be short-lived. Very short-lived.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Alice wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary when she fell into Wonderland, and it was simply her curious nature that led her to follow the instructions "Eat me" and "Drink me" (either that or a heretofore undetected history of substance abuse). One might say you're a sort of Alice--free-spirited, independent, tempestuous. Go along your merry way, and before you know it you'll have Mad Hatters and Cheshire Cats inviting you over for tea. (Just avoid the little blue pills, if you know what we mean.)