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Dear Em and Lo,
 
I dated a man for a year. This was the first serious relationship for both of us, even though we're well out of the college years and are both approaching 30. I recently met his family for Christmas and they loved me. I've been hanging out with them for birthdays and holidays since. We broke up two weeks ago, which was a total shock to me. We both decided to remain friends and we both consider each other our best friend. Well last week, I found out my now ex-boyfriend went to a bar with some co-workers last month (when we were still together) and received a lap dance and exchanged numbers with a girl from the place we both work. I confronted him and her about it. She said it was just all in fun and that she's not interested in him. He told me that he likes her and, as his best friend, he wanted to know if he should date her. I told him no, mostly because what kind of girl would give a lap dance to a guy with a girlfriend, and why go out with her so soon after we broke up? Do you think I should just let him go and move on or should I still be his best friend and try to work things out between us?
 
--Confused

Dear Confused,

We'll tell you what you're confused about: the concept of best friendship. Here's some things we know about being best friends:

1. You don't become best friends in two weeks unless you're in second grade and you shake pinkies on it.

2. To become great friends with an ex takes at least as long as the time you dated.

3. The only reason Demi and Bruce can make it work is that they both date hottie bimbos/himbos a few decades their junior.

4. If you're using phrases like "let him go" and "move on," then you're not best friends. You're not even friends. You're just plain exes.

5. Being BFF with an ex is like putting all your eggs into one booty basket. What happens if you get drunk and have ex sex--then who are you going to call at 2:00 a.m. to help you figure your shit out?

6. Your best friend never asks you to be happy about something that breaks your heart. Oh yeah, and your best friend never actually breaks your heart, either.

7. Your best friend drags you along on lap dance night, especially when you've been recently dumped and are in need of a pick-me-up.

8. Someone who was a lying cheating scumbag of a boyfriend to you doesn't exactly seem to have the right skill set to be your best friend.

9. Isn't the kind of guy who'd get a lapdance and phone number from a co-worker while he's dating someone else a hundred times worse than the kind of girl who'd give a lapdance to a guy with a girlfriend? We don't understand why you're cutting him so much slack.

10. This guy is the worst best friend in the history of BFFs. And that's even including Paris Hilton.

We hope this clears things up for you. This man is serious frenemy material. Dump his sorry ass now.

Em & Lo