Jason Castro from American Idol: Love the dreads. Could get lost in those dreamy blue eyes. But the full-baked, pass-the-Dorritos stoner accent? Don't speak, just sing dude.

Tom Cruise: Don't even pretend that before all the whacko Scientology stuff came out of his mouth in public, you didn't think he was a good looking man.

The All-American Rejects frontman, Tyson Ritter: An obscure one, we know. But we once caught him in a cameo on House and were blown away by his pure and utter dorkiness, a quality masterfully disguised in all those MTV videos that were pure junior-high shower-nozzle masturbation material.

Keanu Reeves: It was kinda cute in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, but almost 20 years later that slow, forcedly deep, two-fries-short-of-a-Happy-Meal drone is a bit tired. Classicly trained Shakespearean actor, our ass.


TOP 5 WOMEN*

Paris Hilton: Two words: That's. Hot.

Holly from Make Me a Supermodel: Not only does she sound like she needs to splash her face with cold water and blow her nose, she uses the word "like" in her speech more gratuitously than cleavage is used in beer commercials.

Jessica Simpson: "Chicken of the Sea." Need we say more?

Miss Teen South Carolina: "...South Africa, and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as..." Need we say more? No, but it's just so fun, we will: "I believe that they should our education over here in the US should help the US should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our children."

Fran Drescher: She really is a gorgeous woman, but all you have to do is imagine a little dirty talk with that voice, and it'd be enough to make even a newly post-pubescent boy--on Viagra--go limp.

Okay, so who'd we miss?

*To be unfair, in contrast with the men, we focused more on what the women say rather than how they say it. But if we were just going after gals simply for talking like toddlers, well, there'd be just too many to choose from to narrow it down.