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 Dear Em & Lo, I met this guy, D., about 4 months ago. We have done very simple meetings, basically coffee talking. We exchange text messages several times a day, some are sexual in nature. We talk a couple times a day on the phone. We both have said we feel a definite connection. The problem lies in that we can't seem to get our schedules to coincide to spend any significant time together. We are both divorced with kids. We have planned dates on several occasions but things have come up and one of us has had to cancel. We laugh, joke, have serious conversations, flirt, and have been there for each other when things are going bad. We seem to have all the ingredients for a great relationship except the ability to spend time together. My question is this: should I continue with this or should I just move on? I have dated a couple of other guys since D. but I keep going back to wanting D. What do I do? Thank you, Frustrated Dear Frustrated, Just move on. It's been four freakin' months! If he wanted to see you in a more serious capacity--heck, if he wanted to see you, period--he would have made it happen by now, schedules be damned. We know kids can seriously hinder one's romantic and sexual spontaneity and freedom, but this is ridiculous. If we had to guess, we'd say he enjoys this flirty, light-hearted relationship with you precisely because of its lack of commitment (he's probably enjoying it with others, too), especially if he only got divorced fairly recently; and he's probably avoiding anything that might suggest exclusivity like, say, a weekend together, or even just a nice meal. Plus, you've got to admit, wanting what you can't have is appealing--to both of you. Obstacles to love/lust keep things exciting. They also keep things in the realm of idealized fantasy, rather than boring reality: the sooner you actually get together, the sooner you'll discover that he farts in public and he'll realize that you talk with your mouth full (or whatever annoying habit you have). There's something to be said about this kind of virtual relationship--the talking, the flirting, the connection; it could be fun if you just accept it for what it is. But you obviously want something more, or else you wouldn't have written. The benefit of the "move on" approach is two-fold: your constant disappointment will end, and your absence may be the kick in the ass he needs to make a more significant relationship gesture. If not, then you'll know he wasn't that into you to begin with. With much tough love, Em & Lo 3 CommentsLeave a comment |
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We hate to break it to you schmucks (and we mean schmuck in the most loving, Yiddish-for-penis way): Size matters. There, we said it. But in the immortal words of Einstein (and no doubt he was talking about skin flutes), it's all relative. What's a perfectly shaped cuke to one person is a disappointing pig-in-a-blanket to another and an overwhelming meat loaf to yet another.
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Em & Lo, more formally known as Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey, are
the self-proclaimed Emily Posts of the modern bedroom.
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I'm not sure why you are placing the onus on the man to "make it happen"; there's nothing in the letter that suggests that she's been making a huge effort to make herself available either. Not that there's anything wrong with that, or that it changes your basic advice (If she were that into him she'd "make it happen" too!), but I find it odd that you impose that asymmetry on a situation that appears to be symmetrical.
I would say that they both seem to be enjoying the "flirt and text without fear or commitment" thing (4 months, for god's sake!) and they're both equally complicit in maintaining it. That's fine, so long as it meets the needs of both people; and it's fine for her to decide that it no longer does, and to ask for more (or to leave if more is not forthcoming). But so long as neither makes time, she has to take responsibility for her actions as much as he for his.
Evan, we were sort of writing from the assumption that she has tried to make it happen. We have to make some guesses when it comes to deciphering letters requesting advice -- they never tell the whole story (indeed they tell just one side). So we were operating from the assumption that since she wrote us, she has tried way more and he has tried way less -- we figured if they were both into it they would have made it happen by now, so since she's obviously into then the fact that they haven't made it happen is his fault, i.e. he's not into it. But you're right, you can't really tell that from the letter. But let's just assume you can -- then our advice is spot on!
Evan,
Unless you're patient enough to wait for a compatible women to make the move, which they generally won't, or good-looking enough that this happens all the time, which most guys aren't, then I'm afraid, yeah, the onus is on the dude to make things happen.