Dear Em and Lo,

When my boyfriend and I started seeing each other he made it clear he had a problem with performing oral sex and so I've never asked him to do it as, after all, I wouldn't want to do something I wasn't comfortable with or wouldn't enjoy. However, after nearly 2 years, I must admit I do miss oral sex. Do you have any recommendations for making oral sex more appealling for him and broaching the subject? For instance, are flavoured lubes nice or do they just taste weird when they mix with my own wetness? Or should I just insist that it is a reasonable request and relationships need a bit of compromise?

I Can't Think of a Witty Name

Dear Ictoawn (ha! sounds like Icktown, probably your boyfriend's name for cunnilingus),

Ooooh, that's a toughie. Now, if you wrote to us saying your boyfriend really liked anal sex but you really didn't and he was pressuring you to give in, would we encourage you to try it or to just keep your butt cheeks clenched for the sake of maintaining your own personal sexual integrity? As usual, the answer is neither black nor white. You've got to weigh some things:
  • He told you from the beginning that cunnilingus wasn't his bag, so he gets some credit for that: -1 point.
  • Does he enjoy and expect blow jobs from you? If yes, count that as +1 point. If not, -1.
  • You've got to find out his reason for not being into it. If he doesn't like the smell or taste, count that as +1: you can work with him to make things more palatable by showering immediately beforehand, changing your diet to make things sweeter downtown, and yes, trying flavored lube. If he doesn't like pubes in his mouth, count that as +1: you can compromise by going Kojak. If, however, he had some sort of traumatic experience (the likes of which were captured in Teeth) that really makes it hard for him psychologically to perform the task, count that as -1. But if a previous girlfriend only just accidentally farted in face, that's +1.
  • Can you orgasm from cunnilingus? If not, then that's -1. If so, then that's +1. If it's the only way for you to orgasm with a male partner, then that's +10.
  • How is this affecting your relationship? If it's not that big a deal to you, i.e. your sex life is satisfying in all other ways, then count that as a -1. If, however, it's negatively affecting the relationship (you resent him for it, you're considering breaking up with him because of it, or worse, you're thinking about just getting it elsewhere behind his back, which we would NOT recommend), then count that as +1.
If, when you add all these numbers up, you get a 0 or higher, then we think you're in your rights to really encourage him to give you some oral attention. Nicely, of course. If, however, it's a negative number, then it may not be worth pushing him to do something he just doesn't want to do.  Or you could scrap this overly complicated mathematical formula and just discuss it with him, gently explaining how it's something you're really missing from your sex life, and just see where that gets you.

All relationships are about compromise, and each partner's gotta be willing to do a few things they don't absolutely love, be that attending the opera or doing it doggie style on holidays. However, sometimes there are things which are inherently antithetical to the core being of who we are (and that may just be opera or doggie style), in which case compromise would do more harm than good, at which point it's time to accept that we just aren't sexually compatible.

Whatever your case may be, here's to you getting some oral in the near future!

Putting our money where our mouth is,
Em & Lo


jay said:

I disagree with the buttsex analogy, because that can cause pain, and worse, possible injury. There's a good reason some women don't want to do that. Going down on a girl can't do anything like that to a guy. This guy needs to indulge his girl at least once every few times they have sex. Barring traumatic experience (by which I mean something worse than just getting grossed out while doing it once or twice) not giving head is being a lame lover.

Vincent said:

Sorry Jay, but I tend to agree with the ladies.

Simply because its a matter of degrees... some might say if you aren't willing to have anal then you would be a 'lame lover'

Everyone of use has deal breakers, but as long as we are open, honest and considerate then it will generally work itself out in the end.

So speak up girl and ask for a little loving, but be prepared that he just won't do it for you. Then you have to decide if its a deal breaker or not for you.

RS said:


Just in case you do win the battle, I'm assuming the por bro isn't gonna know how everything works.

Check the link, I think it will allow you to not have an awkward conversation, and he can do a little reading solo mission, and surprise you.

Sorry, hope this isn't considered spam ;)

emmak said:

He sounds like maybe he's just shit scared he'll be terrible at it...just get him pleasantly pissed and lead the dog to water.


Maybe, he's just lazy and doesn't want to do all the work. You should stop giving him pleasure down there for awhile, let see how he likes it.

Mia said:

I can completely relate to this. My husband rarely ever goes down on me. I'm talking like once a year....maybe. Even then, it's not long enough for me to get off. Not kidding, I cried last year when he went down b/c I was so happy to receive it. Unlike your situation, though, I used to get oral sex when we were first together (6 years now, married 1). This can really cause some feelings of resentment if you don't talk about it.

This is a hard thing to compromise on....I'm a really giving lover, and she probably is too... holding off on oral sex for him won't work. In fact, he may come to resent you for it b/c you're doing it just to prove a point. I could never stop doing that b/c it's something I really love doing. You'll both end up grumpy and not in a good spot in your relationship. Sometimes you have to decide what's more important: oral sex or all the other things in your relationship. I would definitely make a pro/con list on this one.

sarah said:

i had a friend who had a boyfriend like that - but what was worse? he actually said he didnt like it, so imagine my friend giving him head and she ain't getting any - horrible! took a while for him to come around, but I guess if he's really into you like he says he is, he'll do it eventually.

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Em & Lo, more formally known as Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey, are the self-proclaimed Emily Posts of the modern bedroom.

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