gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
May we suggest you channel your need to take control into sexual (rather than emotional) endeavors? Every time you feel the need to give your partner career advice, break out the handcuffs instead--and if you're tempted to tell your sweetie how to handle their mother, grab the riding crop instead. (With their permission, of course. "Em and Lo said we should" is one way to broach the subject.)

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Think about your mother. Think about Newt Gingrich. Think about scrambled eggs. Think about anything except sex. Now that we've got that out of the way--no, wait, you're still thinking about sex...quick, think about knitting!--it's time to have a conversation. You'll be amazed how much you find out about someone when you're not trying to get them into bed. And there's a good chance that after this conversation, you won't want to get them into bed.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
From afar, you will be irresistible this week. But up close, you're destined to say the wrong thing--you'll inadvertently insult someone's mother, you'll ruin your team's chances of a big win on trivia night, you'll stutter, you'll slur, you'll send spittle flying in every which direction. Better to maintain a little mystery and allure, and save the sweet-talking for next week, when your mojo, like the prodigal son, will return. Then, you may throw it a big party and get laid.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Remember back when it was considered dorky to be a homebody with a functional family life and parents you actually liked? Now that everybody's all growed up, your family values are a selling point (except when you say "family values," you don't mean "whose stupid idea was suffrage, anyway?"). If you feel a "special bond" (as your mom would call it) with someone this week, invite them home for tea.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
If you think too long about any decision this week, you're likely to have a serious freak-out. After all, this is the potential future father or mother of your children we're talking about. (Woah Nelly, don't freak, we said potential.) So don't think, just hold your nose and jump in at the deep end of the commitment pool. And if you do belly-flop, we promise it'll only sting like a mother for a second.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Someone you meet this week could turn out to be Mr. or Mrs. Right. But our lawyers insist that we also mention that this Mr. or Mrs. may also have any of the following: a criminal record (don't worry, it's probably just forgery or something); an affinity for fart jokes; a naive belief in email chain-letter good-luck charms; body odor; mother "issues"; weird hair; and/or a tendency to overuse the phrase "pardon my French."

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You're what they like to call "a challenge." ("Commitment-phobic tease" would be another way of putting it, but we're feeling nice this week.) You've been "challenging" potential suitors for so long now, what's the point in stopping unless you're really, really sure? As our mothers like to intone while getting that same faraway, dreamy look in their eyes that they do when listening to old Elvis records: You'll just know.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
"There's no such thing as bad press." Yeah well, that phrase was coined by a soulless PR hack who'd pimp his own mother to sell a few more records/books/movie tickets. Sometimes attention is unwelcome--you'll be getting it from all directions this week, so deflect wisely

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
How can anyone resist you this week? We know, that's like hearing it from your mother--we're supposed to tell you that you're stunning and smart and great in bed. (What, your mama never told you that? Aw, poor petal.) But today, we actually mean it.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You're likely to attract all sorts of interest while you're out and about this week. However, not all of it will be to your advantage. Maybe you don't want the parking officer so "interested" in whether or not you're re-feeding the meter. And maybe you don't want your boss so "interested" in how much of your day you spend IM-ing with your friends. And maybe, just maybe, you don't want your mother "interested" in that really loud phone sex you've been having. All we're saying is, if you insist on wearing the pink tutu and making your armpit "sing" the Mission Impossible theme song, make sure that's what you want to be noticed for.