taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
So, it's late May and you haven't been laid in how long? You're overthinking everything, that's your problem. This is not rocket science (just look at all the idiots out there getting laid on a daily basis); this is spring sex. And you, our friend, are not getting any--or at least not as much as you should. Shut down your brain and let a few other organs lead the way this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You have great friends--they're funny, charming, attractive, good conversationalists and probably dynamite in the bedroom, too. And the thing is, you're going to be bricking all week. So might we suggest you travel in a posse? No need to hide behind them; just think of them as a temporary safety net until you get your mojo back next week.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Remember summers at the town pool as a kid? You'd do cannonballs off the side and backflips off the board, all before waiting the full 15 minutes for your hot dog, fries and Drumstick cone to digest. Then, before you knew it, it was time for another dreaded "Adult Swim," and you realized how cruel and unfair life could be. All the old fogies with their swim caps and goggles would test the water with their toes, slowly slip into the shallow end and proceed to do the sidestroke at a snail's pace. This week, leave the cap and goggles off and jump head first into the Pool of Romance.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
This may be hard to hear, but it's not always about you. Sure, sometimes it's good to sit at home and wallow in the meaning of your particular place in the universe (and whether or not you've been seated with the cool kids). But if you'd stop navel-gazing for a few minutes, you'd realize that a certain someone has been trying to make eye contact with you all night. Wake up and smell the hottie!

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get something else. Whether that something else is something you need remains to be seen. But you might as well let go of any hope of getting what you want this week, 'cause, buddy, it's gone.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Sit back and observe the one who interests you. The more you know about this person, the easier it will be to mesmerize him or her when the time is right. But please, don't "observe" your subject from their fire escape at 3:00 a.m. And when we say "mesmerize," we don't mean you should try out some cheap hypnosis technique you got off the Internet to turn them into your own personal sex slave.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
In Psych 101, we learned that if you had a slightly depressed friend in your dorm, one thing you could do to help was insist on getting them out and about, drag them along and pretty much force a good time down their throat (nothing like Jell-O shots to clear someone's head!). The idea was that sitting at home alone stewing over your lame lot in life night after night without any distractions would only breed more sadness, helplessness and laziness. Now, we're not suggesting that you're depressed or even that down. But we are your friends and we just want to cut off any potentially destructive behavior at the pass. If you're thinking of shutting yourself in this week, don't: go out, mingle and try to have some fun.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Fire needs three elements to keep burning: heat, fuel and oxygen. (We can't remember if we learned that from science class or The Towering Inferno, but we're sure it's true.) Let's say that fire is a good relationship, and heat is passion, fuel is compatibility and oxygen is the work you put into it. Sometimes, it feels so damn hot that you're sure there must be a fire somewhere. But then again, maybe it's just global warming.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Wait, it's coming to us. Yes, in your future we see many people gathered around you, a large group activity. Though it's still very hazy and we can't quite make out what particular kind of group this is--a sold-out concert, a book club, a bar (heaven forbid), a work conference--we see a person in the crowd who will soon figure in your romantic life very prominently. Be on the lookout.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You're all action and no talk this week. And, on you, it works!

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You have more hobbies and interests than a Miss America contestant, and you didn't even have to make yours up! But you've been focusing too much on the bathing suit category lately; we suggest you get out there and enjoy your hobbies instead. Not only is it more fun than using duct tape to avoid a bathing suit wedgie and Vaseline on your teeth to create a sparkling smile--it's also much more likely to net you that tiara, the sash and the shiny new convertible.