We know we say this all the time, but Ian Kerner, author of the bestselling book She Comes First, really is one of the nicest--and cheeriest--people in the biz (as well as master of catchy quotes and puns, as you'll see). He took time out of his busy sex therapy schedule to tell us about his new book, Sex Detox.

Em & Lo: What does it mean to go on a sex detox?

Ian Kerner: As the original Coca-Cola commercials said, "Enjoy the pause that refreshes." Or think of it as re-discovering the thrill of the chaste. When it comes to sex and relationships, sometimes we get in so deep the only way out is to start over again. For many of us--whether we're in a relationship or actively dating--our sex lives have become a source of toxicity, rather than one of sustenance and renewal. And just a like a food fast detoxifies one's body, I really believe it's possible to detoxify your love life...

How does this differ from just giving up sex for a while?

Some studies suggest that more than 100 million Americans are currently stuck in a rut. So there's a lot of people already giving up sex, whether they want to or not. The difference is how you turn that negative energy into positive action. If it were as simple as giving up sex, I wouldn't have written the book. It's really about the program that runs through the detox period and looking at one's sex life holistically: in terms of your relationship, your health, your childhood, your past relationships, your fantasies. In that sense the detox is more like "your sex life 360."

What are the potential benefits for a couple who go on a sex detox together?
 
One of the benefits is actually not making it through the detox in that you become so psyched about having sex with each other that you can't keep your hands off of each other. That happens a lot. The detox isn't about saying no to sex, it's about saying no to sex that is routine, mechanical, predictable and/or fraught with issues. Hopefully this program is a chance to reset your sex life and keep the spark aflame.

Is it possible for someone to go on a unilateral sex detox, i.e. without telling their partner?

I've worked with, and heard from, plenty of individuals who have had uncooperative partners and so did the program themselves. These are individuals who are largely stuck in toxic relationships and feel that they can't get through to their partner, and they don't know how to make a change. So if they can't take action on behalf of the relationship, they're taking it on behalf of themselves. Very often they're in relationships that are stuck in a prolonged rut and their partner doesn't notice or care one way or the other whether they're having sex. Sometimes the partner, or the person doing the detox, actually finds it a relief that they don't have to sex for a while. The pressure's off. You can go it alone.

How does your detox plan work for single people?

It's also a 30-day program. For many single people, dating is a source of stress and anxiety, and they feel like they're stuck on a treadmill. Also it raises stress hormones, and plays into addictive patterns in the brain. The whole process leaves them feeling unbalanced. If they're also having casual sex, the whole mind-set and sense of balance can be exacerbated. I often tell people that dating and maintaining relationships--finding and sustaining love--is like acquiring a piece of art: We should wait to be struck and captivated by someone we want to take home and frame. But all too often we do the opposite: We walk around with our "frames," desperately trying to fit others into them. Not only do we get stuck on a fixed idea of whom we should be with, but we carry those frames with us into our intimate relationships, where they shape our expectations and, ultimately, our disappointments. Our frames are narrow and confining, offering only a tiny window into the world through which we are constantly "looking" rather than truly "seeing." Worse, our frames also become shields, blocking others from getting through. This process deconstructs the frame and then helps you put it back together in a way that truly enables you to see.

Can a sex detox ever backfire--can it ever just lead to even less sex in a relationship?

Sure, but ultimately sex comes down to quality, not quantity. Usually having less of something that's not very good in the first place can pave the way for having something that's better.

How can a couple tell the difference between when the spark is truly gone and when it just needs reigniting?

I don't think it's about the sex itself, but about the overall positive sentiment in a relationship. Do you still enjoy talking to your partner? Do you look forward to doing things together? Are you able to hold a conversation without seeing the glass half empty? Are you still friends? Eminent marriage therapist John Gottman has spent a lifetime working with married couples, researching what makes some marriages succeed and others fail. Gottman concluded, "It is the balance between positive and negative emotional interactions in a marriage that determines its well-being--whether the good moments of mutual pleasure, passion, humor, support, kindness, and generosity outweigh the bad moments of complaining, criticism, anger, disgust, contempt, defensiveness, and coldness." Those couples that succeed in their marriages enjoy an overriding proportion of positive over negative sentiment. But how do you ensure that? "All couples, happy and unhappy, have conflict, but the ratio of positive to negative interactions during arguments is a critical factor," and Gottman proposed that this ratio should, ideally, be five to one. While it's impossible to go through life tallying positive versus negative interactions, I've found that it is possible to determine intuitively whether your relationship is generally in the positive, or tending more toward the negative.