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aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
If you're at all tempted to drive over to your beloved's house in the middle of the night and blast Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" from a boombox held over your head in an attempt to express your true feelings, resist that temptation. Change your middle name to Subtlety this week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You want sex? Well, sex costs. And right here is where you start paying--in sweat! . . . If our paraphrasing of the classic line from the opening sequence of the Fame television show isn't working for you, then let us put it this way: love is work, and work takes energy. This week, eat a lot of Clif Bars.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Virgo Gemini, you know all those things you say after six too many gin and tonics? The nice things, we mean--when you get that slushy gushy feeling that you're in love with the world and it seems like a good idea to wake one of the world's citizens at 5:00 a.m. and tell them so. This week, stay sober and keep the gushy stuff to yourself. If not drinking is too much to ask, hide your phone before leaving the house at night to avoid the drunken dialies.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
The humble peppercorn. Such a delightful addition to scrambled eggs, when finely ground and applied in moderation. Too much pepper, of course, and you're sneezing like a champion and wiping snot on your sleeve--and the eggs? Well, they're just plain ruined. Where were we going with this? Oh yes: your desire to either be in a more serious relationship or get in someone's pants is the peppercorn. Beware of applying too liberally.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
How could you?! You're so selfish; all you think of is yourself. Those countless promises you made? All lies. Do the words "compassion" and "honesty" mean nothing to you? . . . Oh wait, sorry, wrong Leo. You, on the other hand, you are full of surprises and eager to please. Take the initiative this week, do your own thing and prepare to have some fun.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Sometimes being in a relationship is like trying to run a marathon handcuffed to someone in rollerblades. You're just going at different paces, and no amount of Luna Bars can fix that. This week, your sex drive is on eight wheels with no brakes. Be patient with your partner, be encouraging and coaxing and don't force them up that hill until they've caught their breath. Oh yeah, and enjoy the handcuffs!

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
This week, just be friends. We know, we hate that "friendship" B.S. as much as the next bitter, jaded single person. But let's face it: many a beautiful relationship has blossomed from the seeds of a beautiful friendship. And even if they don't for you, at least you'll have a good friend to complain to about how you're not getting any.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
We didn't do so well in Economics 101, but you don't have to be Alan Greenspan to understand the concept of supply and demand. Lately, you've been flooding the market with what you've got to offer, and consequently, consumer demand has plummeted. Make yourself scarce for a week and demand is sure to rise.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Call us old fashioned, but you probably shouldn't borrow someone else's sugar, if you know what we mean. And we think you do.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Don't order your lover(s) around like you order your meals: "I'll have the turkey club but I'd like the lettuce and tomato on the side, mustard instead of mayo on the side as well, with the bread--wheat, not white--very lightly toasted and with the crusts cut off, thank you very much." No one likes a high-maintenance lover like Sally--except, of course, Harry.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Try not to be so shy this week (we know, we know, that's like saying try not to be so short). But strangers often interpret your shyness as lack of interest. There's a certain stranger who won't be so strange to you shortly. If you give them a chance, that is. If you don't, well, your loss. Sorry.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Isn't it great when you know someone so intimately, when you love them so deeply, when you're so sure that they love you just the way you are, that you can turn to them and say, "Wanna fuck?" But just because you can doesn't always mean you should. Might we suggest some flowery language occasionally, a few more adjectives, similes and run-on sentences? If it can be said in ten words it can be said in a hundred, and sometimes it should be said in a hundred. Your English teacher may never forgive you, but she was never going to sleep with you anyway.


1 Comments

cc said:

Why does the Gemini horoscope start with "Virgo..."?!? Most of us Geminis are confused enough without having our stars crossed.

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