taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
There's nothing like a secret affair: the excitement, the danger, the whispers in the ear, the knowing glances, the late night calls, the waiting by the phone, the little white lies, the unplanned weekends, the last-minute cancellations, the bottled-up emotions, the distrust, the deception, the jealousy, the fighting, the yelling...on second thought, think twice.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You've been on the yellow brick road of doomed relationships for far too long, Dorothy! Guess what? There are no single people left in Oz and the little man behind the curtain has a really small penis. You remember the moral or the story: what you've been looking for all this time was always right under your nose.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
The creative juices (among others) have been flowing and you're looking to mix things up a bit in the bedroom. Nothing wrong with a little Chocolate-Peanut-Butter-Pecan-Swirl. Just be sure your partner is ready and willing before you stick that ice-cream scooper up their you-know-what while wearing a white apron and mooing like a cow.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
It's time to wear the pants, grab the steering wheel, hide the remote, break out the handcuffs, put on that traffic cop outfit you wore last Halloween--whatever it takes to be the boss. Be the seducer, the initiator, the chairman of the board! Be the CEO of Your Bedroom Incorporated and your partner will become the most loyal employee you ever had.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
It's time to shut up and put out. 'Nuff said.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You know those voices in your head? That's opportunity yelling at you! It's been knocking at your door for weeks now, and it's cold as a witch's tit out there. Is it that you're having trouble distinguishing between opportunity knocking and a door-to-door salesman? Open the door anyway! The worst it could be is a Jehovah's Witness, and we've found that a brisk and cheery, "I'll be with you as soon as I've finished sacrificing the virgin in my backyard" usually sends them running.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You always want what you can't have. We hate that saying--it mocks our faith in the fairness of the universe. But then again, no one said life was fair. Assuming then that maybe every once in a while everyone wants what they can't have, wouldn't it make a little sense to fake out the object of your affection into thinking they can't have you, just for a minute or two? Now, we're not seriously suggesting you actually play hard to get, we're just playing devil's advocate, 'cause we're naughty like that.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Should you stay or should you go? That's the big question. Stay, and you might find yourself suddenly waist-high in something you thought was just a kids' wading pool. Go, and you'll be hitting the road alone, Jack. Unfortunately "none of the above" is not an option this week. The choice is yours; make it carefully.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Your love life has been too much like the tango lately: for every step back that you take, your partner takes one step forward. While this may have worked for Fred and Ginger, it could spell disaster for your relationship. It's time to tell your partner, in the unforgettable words of Patrick Swayze, "Hey, spaghetti arms! You're invading my dance space." Speak up, 'cause nobody puts Baby in a corner.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
All the great coaches will tell you, visualize the play and then visualize yourself succeeding at the play. So let's visualize: you and your significant other. Twenty years down the road. Kids? Maybe. Nice wallpaper? Definitely! Couple of pets? Perhaps. Can you visualize it? Can you visualize succeeding at it? How you answer should have a profound impact on your current relationship in the very near future.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Your anxieties are higher than a kite this week, dude, but not in that good, mellow, chilled-out way. Try to turn your analytical mind down to about a two. Stop talking and just do it.