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 If you're a regular around here, you'll know that we're presumptuous enough to regularly critique sex tips given out elsewhere on the web. Maybe we like having a dialogue with other advice columnists, or maybe we're just competitive biotches. Brian Alexander, bless him, is a regular in this feature. And this week we're taking him to task not because we disagree with his advice (it's actually very sensitive and wise) but because we think it's a bit of a cop-out . A 51-year-old man writes to him for help because his wife suffers a rare skin condition that makes sex and "even intimate touching" off-limits. Also, his wife has completely lost all desire for sex (not unrelated, we're sure). Mr. Alexander suggests some alternative medical treatments for the condition and also points the reader toward the very excellent book The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability by Dr. Miriam Kaufman, Cory Silverberg, and Fran Odette. (We're huge fans of Cory's--he's a true gentleman in the sexpert world.) But here's the thing: What if neither of these suggestions does the job? Or what if they do but his wife still doesn't want sex? Now that's a real doozie of a question, in our opinion. What happens if two people are married and in love and have no desire to ever leave each other, but one person just stops wanting sex after a while? Is the sex-starved person in the couple supposed to make do with porn and their right hand for the rest of their erotic life? Or are they entitled to a trip to a massage parlor for a happy ending every once in a while? (Apparently women can get them too these days.) Or should they get even more--a lover on the side, perhaps? A monthly allotment of one-night stands? A pony? Actually, we shouldn't really be taking Bri to task for this, because we don't have a good answer, either--just more questions. Here's the thing: intellectually, it makes sense to us that it's not fair for one partner to deprive another of sex--just because YOU don't want to sleep with your partner, is it fair to say that they can't have sex with anyone, EVER? We're not saying that marriage or monogamy means you're committed to sex 365 days a year or anything like that. But what about if the sex is rarer than Halley's Comet? What then? We're stumped...maybe we should write to Brian Alexander and ask him. 8 CommentsLeave a comment |
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Em & Lo, more formally known as Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey, are
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you can try to deny nature, but you are likely to end up with pervertions so the only answer to no sex with spouse is to join the hobby: prostitution. or divorce the mismatch if you find that immoral.
only you know which is the best solution.
Umm maybe he has to try to turn his partner on, there're hundreds of ways posted in the internet!
you can't deny sexual urges and they're going to come out one way or another. surely the partner understands that if they are not wanting sex at all they can't expect the other person to be a complete saint? cos, like, we have these things called hormones, see?
I don't think that there is one right answer. I think it depends on the couple and what they believe and how strong their love is. Because no matter what.... if you know that the one you love and are married to is having sex with someone else it is going to hurt. Even if you don't want the sex. So there is no right or wrong answer......right???
I don't think that there is one right answer. I think it depends on the couple and what they believe and how strong their love is. Because no matter what.... if you know that the one you love and are married to is having sex with someone else it is going to hurt. Even if you don't want the sex. So there is no right or wrong answer......right???
This is really hard... after 25 years of sporatic sex, my partner has finally given up on the act alltogether after a hysterectomy. After no sex for more than 3 years, I have finally sought sex elsewhere. I still love my partner...and it's her I really want... but I am human and frustrated beyond belief. I have chosen a sex partner who is unavailable for a relationship, so it's just about sex for both of us.
My partner is hurt and doesn't understand my needs and equates sex with love which makes it harder. So far I am trying to keep my friend with benefits very low key and I'm not sure she knows that this is actually happening, even though we have discussed it and my needs... Its really, really hard.
Em and Lo----
We need you to delve further into this issue! There are a LOT more couples than you might think dealing with completely unequal levels of desire. And, imagine this everyone, not all of the desire-deprived are the women! Huh.
Please, please, give us some advice on this!
My husband is disabled and I was his primary care giver and could not think of him in a sexual manner anymore. I took care of him for almost 3 years because I felt it was my duty. When I mentioned I wanted a friend he got mad and left. I don't blame him for that and I am happier now not taking care of him and having a boyfriend. But I think if someone loved us enough they would understand and want us to be happy. I was not going to leave him I just wanted someone to take care of me once in awhile. That may sound a little selfish to some of you but you never know what you will do till you are in the same boat. I still love him and care about him but I could not dedicate the rest of my life to doing everything for him