|
||||||
   
|
|
 Dear Em & Lo, I've been going out with my girlfriend for almost three years (I'm 24, she's 21). We were both virgins when we first had sex early on in our relationship. Our sex since then has been great, and the fact that we love each other makes it even better. We never used condoms because we've never had previous partners, we were serious about our relationship, and we always used other forms of birth control (e.g. the Nuva Ring). Now, here's the problem: recently she was diagnosed with hepatitis. Amazingly the doctor didn't tell her what hepatitis is (we had to look it up on the Web) or what kind of hepatitis she has (she says she's going to check with her doctor to find out for sure). The first day she was told she had hepatitis she called me crying, accusing me of getting her sick and lying about being a virgin and cheating on her--instead of calling to warn me that I could also have the sickness. I have never been with another woman but her in my life. I felt so shocked. To make matters worse, both our parrents don't approve of us being together. Hers don't think I'm worth a nickel because I'm not a religious freak like them. And now my parents think that if she loved me, she would've told me to check myself to see if I had hepatitis as well, instead of blaming me for it--so they think I should move on. I did get tested this last Friday and this week I'm going to know the results. But besides that, I had the vaccine done when I was a kid. And in February of this year, I had urine and blood samples taken for my car insurance, and I came out negative on hepatitis. So I'm pretty sure I'm not sick. I know my parents are right about her reaction, but I love this girl very much and she was very sorry afterwards. She thinks she's the worst woman in the world for treating me like that, but she still loves me. I forgive her and love her. But I don't know if I should take this as a sign to finish this relationship. Should I forgive her and make the best of all this or dump her? Hep Help Dear H.H., We think it's pretty excellent that your reaction to her, upon hearing the news, wasn't more of the same accusation, anger and fear. Many people would consider news of a potentially contagious disease in a partner to be an automatic deal-breaker. So good for you! But just because that knee-jerk freak-out may not be the best reaction, it's certainly an understandable one. When you're diagnosed with a disease, especially one that could have been contracted sexually, all rational thought goes out the window: it's scary and depressing and overwhelming. Your mind races--how did I get it? why me? will I ever have sex again?--and you think the worst. So we think you should cut her some slack. Understand that when she called you, she wasn't herself--which isn't a sign of the fragility of your relationship, it's human nature. But once she had a chance to calm down and just breathe, she obviously realized the error of her ways and apologized. And that really is the best you could have hoped for, under the circumstances. So if you love her, then do just that and support her. Next, you've GOT to figure out what kind of hepatitis she has--and whether or not you have it too--as different types have different symptoms, methods of transmission (many are not sexual), treatments and imperatives about having sex safely (or at least about reducing risk of transmission). And then really educate yourself about it with sites like AshaSTD.org and the Hepatitis Foundation, which can help you find a support group. Your girlfriend might also consider, if it's at all possible, getting a new doctor--one who will be more communicative and informative. And as far as your parents go, while it's ideal to have the support of your family about your choice of partner, ultimately only you can decide who is right for you; sometimes outsiders can't understand the intimate connection two people have in the privacy of their own bedrooms, when they get all naked and cuddly and shmoopie with each other. If your parents can't, that's their problem. They can write to us for advice. All our best, Em & Lo 5 CommentsLeave a comment |
|
![[Body By Glamour ad]](http://dailybedpost.com/ads/bbg-fall-275x225.gif)
 
Em & Lo, more formally known as Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey, are
the self-proclaimed Emily Posts of the modern bedroom.
Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New
York City.
Check out Daily Bedpost on MySpace.com.
|
||
FEED ME
First off, that doctor should be ashamed for being so un-thorough in his/her diagnosis/explanation.
If the doc can tell the gf she's hep+, she should have been plainly able to see which variety of hepatitis the girl is carrying and SHOULD HAVE TOLD HER. and then should have told her likely ways she may have been exposed. Oh I'm so irritated this did not happen.
Please let your gf know that she will be okay.
Hepatitis in all its strains is a very serious concern (can lead to liver failure, cirrhosis, liver cancer) but it's something that can be worked with and is far, far, far from a death sentence.
Tell her to a) find out which strain of Hep she has, b) get quantitative & qualitative tests done to determine the level of viral activity, and c) discuss with her doctor whether she should have an ultrasound of her liver done to determine a benchmark for the state of her liver to measure against in the future. And YOU should double-check to make sure your vaccine took when you got it. Get checked for all strains of Hepatitis-- your pee or blood that recently got tested may have only been checked for A or C.
Tell your gf also that she can live a healthy, long life-- especially if she cuts back drastically or completely on her alcohol consumption-- while carrying the virus-- only 20% of chronic carriers develop a liver problem over time. it's just something, like diabetes or herpes or HPV that you absolutely need to keep an eye on and get tested regularly to keep in check (b/c if you are a chronic carrier and are rough on your liver, that number jumps up quite a bit).
And because it can be sexually transmitted (as well as through other ways-- finding out which strain will tell her more about ways in which she may have gotten it), yes, she needs to have that conversation with every partner she ever has. Most US citizens born in the States after 1989 or something (check that, i don't remember) were vaccinated as babies, and most US colleges & universities require students who apply for dorm residence to get checked & vaccinated, too (the trick is that the vaccine doesn't always take the first time, and most schools don't check the follow-up status. that's up to the individual.)-- so it's entirely possible that most of her future partners will have been vaccinated already. It's still a conversation she should have, though, if she cares about her partners and also wants to prevent the spread of the disease in general.
Good luck to you, your gf, her liver, and her family (guess what? if they're asian, were born in asia, or lived in asia, they should get checked, too.) (guess why they call hepatitis-related liver failure/cirrhosis/cancer "asian liver disease") (and guess how i know all this).
Uh....
So.... you've never cheated and now she has Hepatitis.
So..... she slept with someone else.
Isn't that the logical conclusion?
No. There are lots of ways to get Hepatitis, not just from sex. There are also multiple types of Hepatitis. I agree with the first poster. That was a horrible doctor that gave the poor woman the diagnosis but no other information. She was probably to scared and shocked to demand better care. Though I can see that it would have been very hurtful to be accused of being a liar, I think your girlfriend was probably freaking out and if she knew all the information she wouldn't have been so quick to blame you. Think about it, if you have something that you THINK you can only get from sex, and you know you've never had sex with anyone else, the only conclusion you could draw would be that you were cheated on. Give her a second chance, and help her find a new doctor. She's scared.
No, that is not a logical conclusion, which is why it's incredibly annoying that the doctor didn't give more information!
There are many ways a person may contract strains of Hepatitis, including tattooing & piercing under less than sterile conditions, sharing needles, cleaning up blood left from a person who carries the virus, in some cases saliva, in some cases breast milk, in many cases feces or fecal matter, and, in many, many cases, by not being vaccinated at birth after being delivered from a Hep + mother.
Hepatitis is not purely sexually transmitted.
Of course, the girl could not have known because her doctor did not provide that information. !
This is a horrible situation - but I think her harsh reaction can just be put down to shock, and clearly the doctor's negligence in not giving her the right information about her condition.
I don't see that her not warning you that you might be sick as a dealbreaker - she obviously thought, due to her misinformation, that you infected her... so why would she care, if you'd been cheating on her?
Seems to me it was a heat-of-the-moment accusation. I think you should try to work through it.