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Dr. Kate,
Last night I had yet another exasperating night with my boyfriend, whom I love very much. You see, no matter how hard he tries to please me, our sex life is unsatisfying. This is because his penis curves downward dramatically. So about every other time we have sex, it is painful for me. We have tried many different positions, and the only one that doesn't hurt is my least favorite, doggy style. I know he likes that position, so I don't mind doing it sometimes, but I dislike the position it puts my body in, so I don't want that to be our only option. We've done many other positions, and they all tend to hurt in some way. Last night he used a dildo on me, and it didn't hurt at all, even though it is larger than he is. So I know it's his shape that hurts me. I really don't want a dildo and doggy style to be our only options, I'd like to be able to have nice romantic sex still! Do you know if there is anything we can do about this? Mismatched Privates Dear MP, First things first: your boyfriend may have a condition known as Peyronie's disease. While a penis may be curved from birth, it can also become that way over time, for multiple reasons--injury, medications, or autoimmune disorders are the leading theories. There are multiple treatments available, so your guy should see his doctor, and probably a urologist to explore his options for therapy. As Em & Lo have said before in many ways, intercourse isn't the be-all end-all of intimacy. I think that anything that you do with your guy, in any position with or without any toys, that makes you feel close to him and doesn't cause you pain is wonderful. It may end up that you prefer other ways of getting off instead of intercourse. I also want you to think about your definition of "nice romantic sex." Rear-entry intercourse may have gotten a bad rap from countless Cinemax movies and porn magazines, but I don't think there's anything inherently demeaning or disrespectful about that position. Whether you're on your knees and he's behind you, or you're both lying on your sides, it's still a way to be close. And if that's how you can have intercourse without pain, please reconsider how you feel about it. For anyone dealing with discomfort during sex, you want to make sure that you're completely aroused before he enters you...by this I mean not only well-lubricated (your own moisture or what comes from a bottle), but well-engorged. Sometimes it helps if you're post-orgasmic--that's when you're at your maximum arousal. Do any of you have tips for how to deal with a partner who doesn't quite...fit? 3 CommentsLeave a comment |
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Em & Lo, more formally known as Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey, are
the self-proclaimed Emily Posts of the modern bedroom.
Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New
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Another position to try is "reverse cowgirl" (woman on top, facing man's feet). If you can't reverse his curvature direction, reverse yours.
I would suggest you go to a physical therapist with a specialization in women's health. I have had deep penetration pain like you describe. I went to a women's health PT who had an excellent reputation and she sorted me out. Basically the problem was that the internal vaginal muscles needed to be massaged! I know this sounds a little weird, but the PT basically massaged and stretched the muscles in there (not in a sexual way!) and I guess kind of got rid of the 'knots'. It was a little painful getting the PT but it improved my sex life enormously. And now when I get that kind of pain I know how to fix it myself. Unfortunately more sex doesn't help fix this problem because it needs to be a constant kind of pressure rather than an in and out thing.
I think Becky is on to something. My ex had extreme curvature just as you're describing, and I never experienced any pain during intercourse with him no matter the position...also, if you don't like "doggy" style with you on your knees--lay down on your stomach instead (my personal favorite!). And always make sure you're completely turned on first--boys these days don't know how to give a girl hot foreplay! Tell him what you want! ;)))